


Set fire to yesterday

by RoadsUntraveled



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22092214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoadsUntraveled/pseuds/RoadsUntraveled
Summary: Baekhyun aches and Jongdae dies, a bit more each day.OrJunmyeon has a boyfriend, he loves him with all he has, but said boyfriend has a dark past, and an even darker present.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Junmyeon | Suho
Comments: 15
Kudos: 18





	Set fire to yesterday

“Can you call me… can you call me… baby boy?” 

Junmyeon looks down at his boyfriend. The boy has his head resting on the older one’s lap, his face hidden in Junmyeon’s warm chest as the tip of his ears start to redden like it never had before. Junmyeon keeps on running his hand through the younger boy’s hair, letting a smile settle on his handsome face. 

“You want to try new things in bed?” 

“No, I…” comes the sweet voice of sweet Baekhyun, a shy boy who has always trouble hiding his embarrassment, “I-I wasn't talking about s-sex…” 

Junmyeon raises an eyebrow as he lets his fingers grab his boyfriend’s ear, caressing the skin reassuringly. He can't see his face but he is sure it is as red as what he can catch of his neck. 

“What are you talking about, then?” he asks, putting on his most reassuring voice. 

Baekhyun stays quiet for a moment, nuzzling at Junmyeon’s chest while the older man waits for him to gather up the courage to tell him what is on his mind. It’s always been that way, for as long as Junmyeon can remember; Baekhyun has always been that way, shy and reserved, trying his best when he was outside, at work or with friends, but knowing that he could take his time with Junmyeon, because the man was so patient and would never judge him. 

Because Junmyeon doesn't know how others aren't as nice with him, and he doesn't need to. 

After a few minutes, the boy looks up at Junmyeon; he presses his lips together in a thin line before biting them and burying his face in his man’s chest again. Junmyeon can't help but chuckle at the action; his boyfriend really looks and acts like a kid sometimes. 

“Come on, tell me,” he tries, his hand slipping from Baekhyun’s hair to his cheek, so that Junmyeon can gently pull the boy’s face away from his chest, “you know you can tell me anything.” 

Baekhyun looks at his boyfriend for a few seconds, struggling to find the right words. He isn't usually that shy around other people, because he forces himself not to be, but Junmyeon isn't other people; Junmyeon is the only one he can show his true colours to—at least, to a certain extent. 

“Is it okay if you call me that sometimes?” he says, eyes shining, “like, not necessarily in bed, b-but...” 

He stops there, his heart pounding and ready to break its way out of his chest. Junmyeon smiles softly at him and pats his cheek, telling him to get up with a sweet “come here, sweetheart”. Baekhyun does as he's told, sitting sideways on his man’s lap, letting his head fall on Junmyeon’s chest again as soon as he's comfortable enough. 

“I get it, baby,” Junmyeon says when he realises that Baekhyun isn't going to continue speaking, “but why is that?” 

“I feel safe with you,” the younger man whispers, closing his eye, “and I wanna b-be your little b-boy all the time.”

Junmyeon shivers at the words, his heart speeding up a bit. He doesn't know why Baekhyun acts the way he does – or maybe he does know but he just doesn't want to think about it – but he's sure the boy needs it, and he doesn't mind giving him whatever makes him happy, whatever makes him feel safe. 

“I’d like it if you… um,” Baekhyun continues, biting his bottom lip with a worried look on his face. 

“If I, what?” Junmyeon asks, linking his fingers with his boyfriend’s long and lean ones. 

The younger man closes his eyes and buries his face in the older man’s chest, wriggling a bit which accidentally makes him rub his butt against his boyfriend’s crotch; but as soon as he does so, his face heats up and he pulls away almost immediately, mumbling a little “sorry” which makes Junmyeon laugh wholeheartedly. Baekhyun gets up and decides to sit on the couch next to him. He looks down at his hands on his lap and breathes heavily. 

“Would you call me s-sweet things sometimes?” he says, but immediately looks up at Junmyeon when he realises his words don't sound right, “Not that you don't already do this! B-But…” he looks back down, “maybe if you'd call me, y-your baby b-boy, or l-little one or even your d-doll..., I-I’d like that.” 

Junmyeon frowns a little, but he quickly replaces the frown on his face by another one of his sweet smiles. He’s used to treating Baekhyun like a prince, because that's what he is to him, but this—this is new. The younger boy looks up at him tentatively.

“Is this some kind of kink that you have, Baekhyun?” 

At those words, Baekhyun’s face falls and he looks away, his bottom lip quivering. Junmyeon knows at that moment that he messed up by asking that question, so to make up for it, he leans close to Baekhyun and buries his nose in the young boy’s neck, tickling him in the process. Baekhyun just shrugs and pulls away, his eyes falling once again on his lap. Junmyeon frowns and tilts his head to catch the boy’s expression; one of disappointment and fear, something he rarely ever saw on Baekhyun’s face anymore.

“Did I say something wrong?” he asks, chewing the inside of his cheek, “I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean to upset you—“ 

“No, no you didn't!” Baekhyun interrupts him, looking up to look at him in the eyes. Junmyeon can't help but notice how beautiful he is, even with glossy eyes, on the verge of tears, “It’s me, I…” Baekhyun sighs, “I know it’s weird, I’m weird, p-please just f-forget about this.” 

He then gets up and runs to his bedroom, leaving Junmyeon alone in the living room. They're at Baekhyun’s. It's a small flat that he used to share but doesn't anymore; Junmyeon never asked why, even though he has always been curious because the flat is very small and only has one bedroom. Did Baekhyun live there with a boyfriend? Probably, but he never said anything about it. Junmyeon assumes that the boy used to share his flat with someone else only because he found some stuff around that definitely didn't belong to Baekhyun; some clothes and a pair of snickers, stuff that definitely isn't Baekhyun’s style, flashy colours that he definitely doesn't like to wear (red, yellow, green). He never confronted the boy about this, and probably never will; he always tells himself that it isn't important anyway. 

Junmyeon stays on the couch for a long moment, debating wether or not he should follow his boyfriend. He decides not to for a while. It isn't the first time Baekhyun needs to be alone, it isn't the first time he runs away. Sometimes it's not even over something important; little things he'd see on tv, little words Junmyeon or any of his other friends would say. At first it was hard for Junmyeon to keep up with this, but after a little over a year of relationship with Baekhyun, he got used to it, he got used to avoiding certain topics, he got used to letting the boy take his time, shy away and come back whenever he's ready. From the very beginning, he knew what he was getting himself into, because even holding Baekhyun’s hand for the first time had been a challenge for him… he also remembers clearly how the boy had flinched away from his touch when they first met.

  
xXx

  
Junmyeon met Baekhyun a little over a year ago at the train station in Busan. It was almost 10pm as he was waiting for the next train to Seoul. There wasn't many people; what with the fact that it was a late night train and people never really liked those. On the platform, he noticed a few business men in suits as well as a group of young friends who were definitely backpacking. He smiled at the sight of them; oh where were the old days when he was the one with a bag over his shoulder and 3 of his best friends and his younger brother arguing over where they should go next? He had spent a whole month backpacking around South Korea with a way too bright Chanyeol, a grumpy Kyungsoo, a lazy Taehyung and an even lazier Jongin. It had been the best time of his life, even when Chanyeol didn’t care anymore and decided that it was time to fuck the grumpy out of his boyfriend, leaving Junmyeon, Taehyung and Jongin out of their shared bedroom (yeah cause they were young and broke and only had enough money for one crappy hotel room, to share as a fivesome), wandering around a very frightening time at night. 

Junmyeon looked up as he heard the train coming, and he smiled absentmindedly, happy to get back home after a few days in Busan where he had been sent by his boss to take care of the inauguration of one of their new buildings. He did spend all of his time going back and forth between the 2 cities but he knew he was coming back to Seoul for at least a whole year and it made him all giddy inside; he’d finally get to spend some quality time with his friends, he'd definitely get to attend Jongin’s wedding and last but not least, he'd finally, finally get to meet Taehyung’s new girlfriend. The boy had been talking about her like she was the love of his life, and though Junmyeon would never admit it, the protective side of him wouldn't let him sleep without knowing more about the said girl. Taehyung had had his heart broken way too many times even at such a young age and Junmyeon didn't want that to happen, ever again.

The man entered the train and made his way to the back of the wagon, before he came back to the doors to help an elderly lady with her suitcase. It took some time to place the luggage because as much muscle as he had, the thing was outrageously heavy, but Junmyeon still put a charming smile on, breathing out discretely as he finally let go of the big suitcase. 

“I know it's heavy, I'm actually moving to Seoul, and I don't trust shipping,” the old woman said with a knowing smile. 

Junmyeon chuckled at that, “It’s alright ma’am, I get it,” 

“Thank you, you're a nice gentleman.” 

The woman gave him one last smile before she made her way to a seat by one of the big windows, leaving Junmyeon with her big suitcase which was threatening to fall on him at any given time. He battled with it a few more minutes to put it in a safe position and once that was done, he smiled triumphantly at himself, proud of his victory, just as the doors of the train started to close behind him. His moment of self adoration didn't last that long though, as he was suddenly interrupted by a body that came crashing violently over his. He found himself on the ground, limbs entangled with a stranger who groaned in his ear. 

“S-Sorry! I'm so sorry!” came a sweet voice as soon as the body pulled away from him. 

He looked up to find a man, (definitely younger than him as he had such a boyish face), looking as frightened as ever. His face was red with embarrassment and his teeth kept chewing on his bottom lip, so hard Junmyeon noticed a bit of blood on the sensitive skin. 

“Hey, you okay?” he asked with a sweet voice, getting up slowly as the other man did the same, his eyes looking everywhere but at Junmyeon. 

“Uh,” the boy had glossy eyes now, which made Junmyeon frown, his heart sinking a little, “I’m fine, I'm s-so sorry. It's just that the-the train was going and it's the last train for Seoul t-today and I have to g-get back there before tomorrow and—“ 

“Hey, hey, man calm down, it's alright,” Junmyeon assured him as he placed a tentative hand on the other guy’s shoulder. 

Wrong move though, the boy jerked it away as soon as it touched him, wincing. Junmyeon offered him an apologetic smile and pointed at a seat at the back of the wagon where nobody had decided to spend their trip in. 

“Come on, let's take a seat.” He said, smiling at the other. 

He made his way there, and after a few seconds, the boy followed him, his lip quivering a little. Junmyeon didn't know why, but as much as the attitude of the guy concerned him, he couldn't help but find him incredibly attractive. 

“I'm Kim Junmyeon, by the way,” he introduced himself with a smile directed the boy’s way.

“Byun Baekhyun,” the boy simply said, bowing his head a little.

They didn't talk much after that; Baekhyun pulled out his earphones and started slightly bobbing his head to some song he was listening to on an old MP3 (Junmyeon found it endearing, especially the fact that he was actually listening to music on an MP3, which was kind of weird, come to think of it). As for Junmyeon, he simply closed his eyes and enjoyed the ride, just like he always did in the late night trains he always took. But it didn't last very long; half an hour after the train took off, it slowed again until it stopped, in the middle of nowhere. Junmyeon frowned as he opened his eyes and looked up, waiting for the speakers to be turned on. He noticed Baekhyun had done the same next to him, a worried look on his face. 

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your train driver Jong Kyungdae. We are currently having some problems with this train. We will come back to you as soon as we get more informations on the matter.” 

Little whispers of exasperation started blossoming in the wagon, some groans and some defeated sighs were being heard; Junmyeon couldn't help but shake his head slightly. It wasn't the first it happened to him, so he was kind of used to it, but it was no less annoying, especially because the train could actually take a while to go again, and he couldn't afford to spend the night in there. Jongin’s wedding was 2 days later and he still had to buy the suit he would wear for the ceremony. 

"Um, e-excuse me?” he heard Baekhyun call next to him. He turned his head towards him and replied with a soft “yes?” to make the boy know that he had his full attention.

Baekhyun smiled a little (it was the first time Junmyeon saw him smile and he couldn't help but smile too, his insides feeling strangely warm). 

“Do you happen to, um… have a c-cell phone I could use? Mine ran out of battery b-before I got to the train station and I-I need to call my friend to let him know about this.” 

“Yes of course,” Junmyeon replied, “let me just…” 

He took his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it before giving it to Baekhyun who took it from him with a grateful smile. Junmyeon observed the guy as his long and thin fingers dialled a phone number he seemed to know perfectly (he didn't hesitate once). 

“Hey, Hyung,,” the boy started when the person he called picked up, “it’s me, Baekhyun. ...Yeah, sorry m-my phone ran out of battery, …Yes I did, …uh I will probably arrive later than expected so please d-don't wait for me. …No I didn't get to see him b-but…,” 

As the boy kept talking, Junmyeon could hear something like sadness in his voice, an uncomfortable feeling came lodging in his heart then and he looked at Baekhyun’s eyes, a bit too glossy and a bit too wide. Junmyeon smiled at him and nodded for him to keep going, when Baekhyun hesitantly turned his face towards him, silently asking if he could use the phone for another few minutes. Junmyeon, forever a gentleman, got up and made his way to the front of the wagon, to give Baekhyun some privacy, ignoring the latter’s quiet protests. He sat next to the old lady he had helped earlier, giving her a sweet smile as she turned her head towards him. She returned the smile and sighed, looking up at the lights that were now flickering above them. 

“So,” she started after a few seconds of silence, “we’re stuck here for a great amount of time, might as well make small talk.” 

Junmyeon chuckled, “Good evening ma’am, my name's Kim Junmyeon.” 

“Park Seong,” she replied, “why did you come back at the front, is the back not comfortable enough?” 

Junmyeon smiled again, he really did smile a lot, that was his signature. He cocked his head to the side to point discretely at the boy seated at the back, phone still plastered against his ear and lip quivering. 

“I think he needs a little privacy.” 

Seong looked at the boy and for a moment she didn't react, until a few seconds later when something definitely tilted in her head. Her eyes widened a bit and she looked back at Junmyeon almost immediately. 

“Do you know him?” Junmyeon asked, frowning. 

“Um,” she hesitated for a moment before she swallowed and sighed, looking back at the lights, “poor boy… he lived in the house down the street from mine.” 

Junmyeon’s frown deepened a bit, not at the revelation itself but more at the way the old lady spoke about Baekhyun. He looked back at the boy discretely, noticing him wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, definitely crying. 

“He comes from a broken family. People talked about them a lot, there were rumours and stories going around,” Seong continued, shaking her head slightly, “Some say he has a brother, but I never saw another boy. I barely got to see Baekhyun himself because he rarely got out of the house, not even for school. I don't think he went there anyway.” 

She paused for a bit, Junmyeon’s heart tightened at the words, the combination of the boy crying and the thought of him having a broken past getting to him. 

The woman frowned after a while and made a disgusted face, “Come to think of it, I did see another boy once, but I don't think it was his brother. Not by the way Baekhyun was holding him, that's for sure.” She shook her head, “I mean, coming from a broken family, how do you expect this boy to be anything other than a criminal or a sodomite?” 

“How do you know his name then, if you rarely ever saw him?” Junmyeon says, without thinking and trying to block out the way Seong had just talked about the boy.

The old lady smiled at that, “I heard it one day.” She sighed again, the smile disappearing from her lips, “I heard it the day he was kicked out by his father.” 

Junmyeon felt his heart break a little, a question on the tip of his tongue vanishing almost immediately when he looked up to see Baekhyun handing him his phone back, red eyes boring into his own. The sight was absolutely heartbreaking, and it was at that very moment that Junmyeon decided he didn't want to see the boy cry ever again. And that feeling increased when said boy turned his head to look at Seong, and gave her the deathliest glare Junmyeon had ever seen. 

“Thank you,” Baekhyun said, his voice sounding off, “you can come back now, if… if you'd like.” 

Junmyeon couldn't help but find the stutter endearing. He took his phone back, careful not to make contact with the boy’s hand, – he remembered him flinching when he had put his hand on his shoulder earlier – got up from the seat he was in and waved at Seong with a smile before following Baekhyun to the back again. They both sat in silence and stayed that way for a moment, neither of them initiating anything; Junmyeon could sense that the boy was tense, but he didn't dare to ask him why, because he didn't want to upset him more than he already was. 

“Did she— um, t-tell you something?” 

Junmyeon turned his head to the side to look at Baekhyun. He noticed anxiousness radiating from the boy, his reddened eyes looking up at him with nervousness in them. 

“Well, she just told me that you guys used to live in the same neighbourhood,” Junmyeon said, deciding that the boy didn't need to know about what she thought of him. Maybe he already knew anyway, but either way, that shouldn't matter. 

"You don't have t-to lie, you know,” Baekhyun mumbled, his face down, eyes on the ground, “I know people say things a-about me a-all the time…” 

Junmyeon’s heart clenched once more, the words making him want to take the boy in his arms and never let him go. It was strange, because he didn't know the guy, but still, something in him screamed protection, and that scared him a little, but he didn't mind, because Junmyeon had always been this way anyway. He had always loved taking care of others, wether he knew them or not; it happened with his brother Jongin, it happened with Chanyeol, it happened with Taehyung and especially with Kyungsoo, too. It wouldn't have been the first time for him to involve himself in something he had no business in, he didn't care anyway, because he always followed his guts rather than his mind which tried to make him turn away, choose a reasonable path and get away from trouble. 

“I don't care about whatever she said though, I don't judge a person on what people say about them,” he said honestly, trying to make the boy relax. 

Baekhyun only smiled at that. Junmyeon watched his cheeks get rosy and his eyes wonder around. The boy was getting shy; Junmyeon couldn't help but find him incredibly cute. 

“Do you still live in Busan?” The older man asked, remembering how Seong had told him about the boy’s father kicking him out. 

“N-No, I'm in Seoul now,” Baekhyun replied, his eyes meeting Junmyeon’s briefly. 

"Yeah? How do you find Seoul?” 

"Noisy, for the m-most part,” the boy smiled, looking back down, “I d-didn't really get to visit yet.” 

“How come?” Junmyeon asked, his voice soft. 

“I—I didn't know anyone when I got there, you know,” Baekhyun bite his lip, probably to prevent his voice from breaking completely, “I didn't have time to l-look around the city.” 

"Oh," Junmyeon kept scratching the back of his hand with his nails while listening to the boy—a nervous habit, “I get it. But you made friends, right? I mean you did call someone over there, right?” 

He hoped his voice didn't sound too worried but the look of fondness on the boy’s face told him it actually did. His heart skipped a bit at the sight, he swallowed, waiting for Baekhyun to reassure him.

“I… did.” Was the boy short reply. 

They didn't really talk after that; Junmyeon didn't want to press the matter and Baekhyun didn't seem like he actually wanted the matter to be pressed. So they left it at that and stayed silent, waiting for another announcement to be made. 

And it didn't take long, probably 15 minutes or so, for the same voice from earlier to come through the speakers again. 

“Ladies and gentleman, we are currently facing some real technical issues that we cannot solve by ourselves. We’ll be waiting for a team to come help us, which will probably take a few hours since we’re kilometres away from the nearest city…” 

More groans and sighs were heard and complaints started to fill the wagon. Junmyeon closed his eyes and breathed through his mouth; Jongin would kill him if he didn't make it in time for his wedding. 

“Oh my God, no, no, no…” he heard Baekhyun’s soft voice come from next to him. The boy had his face scrunched up in a grimace and his right hand was gripping his hair tightly. 

"Baekhyun?” Junmyeon frowned at the sight, he reached for Baekhyun’s hand in his hair but pulled away when the boy flinched at the touch again, “It’s alright, we’ll get there eventually.” 

“No you— you don't u-understand I'm working tomorrow morning a-and I have to be there, I—“ Junmyeon could tell that Baekhyun was panicking, what with the strong grip on his soft hair and his breathing that was starting to get uneven. “If… If I'm not there my b-boss will fire me, and I won’t be able to p-pay the rent anymore and, and…” 

"Baekhyun, hey…” Junmyeon’s heart clenched at the sight of the broken and panicked boy. He didn't know how to reassure him without touching him but he knew by now that the boy didn't like to be touched. So he settled for a hand on the back of Baekhyun’s seat, cornering him that way. 

“He won't fire you if you're an assiduous and a hardworking guy, which I’m sure you are.” He tried to reassure, “I mean he doesn't even have the right to fire you for missing a day.” 

The boy looked up at those words, surprised wide eyes searching for some kind of proof in Junmyeon’s own. 

“He… no he said he would fire me if I e-ever m-miss a day.” Baekhyun murmured, the panic in his eyes still there, standing proud, “he makes me come t-to work ev—even when I’m sick…” 

Junmyeon sighed, “Baekhyun, you do know this is complete abuse of power, right?”

Baekhyun bite his lip, visibly not knowing what to reply to that. He looked straight for a few seconds before frowning and looking at Junmyeon with confused eyes. 

“B-But he pays me enough to pay the rent, so it’s—it’s normal, I guess?” 

“Only enough to pay the rent? Oh boy, where do you even work at?” Junmyeon asked, shaking his head in disbelief. 

The boy swallowed, letting his hand join his lap, “I…” his gaze fell back down, insecurity and shyness taking the better of him, once again, “I work at a small hotel… I do the, um… I do the c-cleaning.” 

Junmyeon just couldn't believe what he was hearing. A young boy like Baekhyun who couldn't be more than 18 was being overworked by an asshole who was taking advantage of the poor boy’s naivety and lack of education. The naivety was obvious, the lack of education wasn't as much though, but Junmyeon couldn't help but feel like the boy really didn't get much of an education; what with Seong telling him about the fact that Baekhyun never got out of the house, not even to go to school and the fact that the boy really didn't know much about his rights. 

“Tell you what, if we don't get to Seoul before tomorrow morning, I'll go with you to your next shift and I'll talk to your boss,” Junmyeon decided, not wanting for the asshole to get away with his illegal behaviour. 

Baekhyun looked back up at him almost immediately, his eyes full of fear and despair. 

“Y-You don't h-have to do that!” he blurted out, “We don't even know each other, don't-- don't you have work yourself?” 

“I do,” Junmyeon smiled reassuringly, “but I can't let that guy keep treating you the way he does. That's illegal and disgusting.” 

When the words came out of Junmyeon’s mouth, he could see something in the boy’s eyes; something like confusion, as if he didn't understand that he was being treated badly. That's when Junmyeon understood Baekhyun had a real problem. 

Junmyeon remembers when they finally got to Seoul. It was 9am the next day when the train stopped at its final station. Baekhyun had been trembling all the way, mumbling on how he wouldn't be able to pay for his rent anymore and how he'd have to leave his flat as soon as possible because he couldn't possibly negotiate with his landlord. Junmyeon had tried to calm him down but it’d been hard without the right words or any physical contact. And there they were, standing on the platform, waiting for an employee to give them information on the procedure of repayment. Junmyeon looked to his right, his eyes falling on an agitated Baekhyun. 

“Don't you have a suitcase or something?” he asked, surprised to see the boy holding only a bag pack and that was it. 

“No,” the boy simply replied, his eyes focused on his shoes, “I was only in Busan f-for a day.” He explained when he looked up and met Junmyeon’s confused eyes. 

The older man made a quiet sound of understanding. He smiled and looked back at the employees, waiting for one of them to finish with the group of young friends in front of them. They waited for about another 5 minutes before a young woman came up to them, holding papers in her hands. 

“Good morning, gentlemen, we’re extremely sorry for what happened with the train,” she said, with the same smile she had given the young group of friends, “here are some papers you need to file and return back to us so we can repay you.” 

The woman gave them the papers and started explaining to them how everything was going to be handled from there. She gave each of them a pen with a smile and she went to the next person. Junmyeon could see, from the corner of his eye, Baekhyun’s panicked expression while looking at the paper in his hand. He didn't know why the boy was acting this way, didn't want to pressure him by asking, so he just took a few steps to reach a little table on which other people where filling their papers, and started doing the same. Halfway through, he looked up to see if Baekhyun was still there with him and noticed just how nervous the boy was. A frown took its place on Junmyeon’s face, and with a gentle smile, he mentioned for the boy to come closer. 

“Aren't you going to fill yours?” he asked, softy. 

Baekhyun bite his lip, as his gaze turned downwards, fixing his feet for a split second before he looked up again, his bottom lip still trapped between his teeth. Junmyeon had come to recognise this as a sign of great nervousness from the boy. 

“I—um…” Baekhyun stuttered, “it's—it's okay I don't need it. It’s f-fine.” 

The boy really did stutter a lot.

Junmyeon sighed, shaking his head once, “Of course you do, what are you talking about? It's your right, come on.” He said, pulling a little at the younger’s paper. 

“N-no, really it's okay,” Baekhyun insisted, “I'll just—I'll just go home, now.” 

When the boy turned around and started walking towards the exit, Junmyeon’s frown deepened and he abandoned his own paper to run after him, suitcase in hand. 

"Hey! Baekhyun!” he shouted after the boy, reaching him after a few big steps. 

"Yes?" the boy replied, turning his head towards the other man. 

“Wait for me, I told you I was gonna go with you to your work today,” Junmyeon reminded the guy. 

“It… It's fine,” Baekhyun stuttered again, Junmyeon noticed the paper in the boy’s fist completely crumpled, “you really don't have to.” 

Junmyeon sighed, stopping the boy from walking by standing in front of him, “Baekhyun, let me help you,” he said, concern written all over his face. He could feel the boy hesitating and he added, as a last attempt to make him cave in, “just this once, please?” 

The hesitance on Baekhyun’s face increased a bit, and for a second, Junmyeon prepared himself for a rejection, but when the boy finally looked back up at him and nodded once, the feeling of relief that took over him was something he hadn't ever been able to describe. 

  
Junmyeon remembers how they stayed in contact, after that night in the train, after he accompanied Baekhyun to his work and confronted the boy’s boss. It had all been very loud and menacing, and it ended up with the man firing Baekhyun anyway, because his contract wasn't even legal, as Junmyeon learnt the hard way, and with the boy crying his eyes out a few blocs away from the hotel where he’d run off after his boss had spat at him the words he feared the most. Junmyeon had followed him, only to be furiously hit by Baekhyun’s weak fists, telling him that it was his fault that he didn't have a job anymore and would lose his flat as a result. Junmyeon felt guilty in a way, but then again, he was relieved, because the boy wouldn't be working at such a place anymore. 

After the boy stopped hitting him and screaming at him that he was the most horrible person in the world, he’d calmed down and sat back on the ground, his knees to his chest. 

“Hey, come on…” Junmyeon tried, kneeling down next to Baekhyun, “the guy was a douche and I'm sure you can find somewhere else to work.” He said, trying his best not to pat the boy’s knee, “With a real contract this time,” he'd added, frowning a little. 

“H-How?” the boy sniffed, “I don't have any diploma, any—any qualification,” he looked away in shame, “how do you want me to f-find another job?” 

Junmyeon stayed silent for a moment, sighing as he’d let himself fall on the ground, next to the boy. He knew it was his fault Baekhyun didn't have a job anymore, he knew he’d have to find him one himself. Sighing again, he took his phone to call in sick and straightened himself up, tilting his head to the side, looking down at Baekhyun. 

“Come one, let’s find you a job.” 

And that's how they’d ended up at The Wave, one of Junmyeon’s old friend’s café. It was a small and cozy place, somewhere he’d used to come a lot a few years back, because he still wasn't an important employee to his firm back then and had all the time in the world. The café was owned by a guy Junmyeon met at uni, and befriended very quickly over their mutual love for music. 

“Oh, look who’s here!” A voice greeted them when they entered the place, “Back from Busan already?” 

"Already? Are you kidding me, I feel like I've been gone for a decade!” Junmyeon fired back, accepting the warm embrace his friend was initiating. 

“It’s good to see you, Junmyeon,” his friend said, chuckling into his ear.

“You too, Xing, you too.” Junmyeon replied, pulling away from the hug. 

The whole time, Baekhyun stayed behind the two, his bloodshot eyes hidden behind sunglasses Junmyeon had lent him on the way to the café, and his lip trapped between his teeth. It didn't take long for Junmyeon to include him though, all smiley and happy, just like he always seemed to be. 

“This is Baekhyun,” Junmyeon said, pointing at the shy boy, “Baekhyun, this is Yixing, one of my dearest friends.” 

“Well, hello there,” Yixing greeted with a warm smile. 

Baekhyun looked up at that, slowly taking his sun glasses off to bow his head slightly at the guy. Junmyeon’s eyes widened a bit at the gesture; Baekhyun was definitely a good kid, no matter how many elderly ladies came to tell him otherwise. 

“H-Hi,” the boy greeted back. 

“Why don't you sit here, I'll order some breakfast for us, yeah?” Junmyeon suggested while he pulled one of the chairs at an empty table. He’d felt relieved once again when the boy nodded, sitting down without a word. 

With a last smile Baekhyun’s way, Junmyeon pulled Yixing by the arm until they’d reached the door that led to the back. With an eye still watching over the boy, Junmyeon sighed, taking his friend’s hands into his. 

“I need you to do me a favour,” he said, his eyes full of hope and plea. 

“What is it?” Yixing asked then, looking concerned. 

“You see this boy, Baekhyun? I kind of messed up and he lost his job because of me,” Junmyeon started to explain to his friend, head lowering in shame for a second, “he really needs a new job and I was hoping you could help me with finding him one.” 

Yixing stayed quiet for a moment, watching Junmyeon, and then judging him hard because he definitely deserved it. 

“What the hell did you do?” he asked, raising a judging eyebrow. 

“Well, I just—I just wanted to help, you know,” Junmyeon shrugged his shoulders defensively, “and the place he worked at,” he waved his hand around with an unattractive grimace, “it’s no place for an 18 year old boy to work at.” 

“18? He looks like he's barely 14.” Yixing pointed out, frowning. 

“I know, I know,” Junmyeon sighed, “he really needs a job, and you happen to have a great place to work at,” he smiled greatly, putting his hands together in a plea. 

Yixing almost rolled his eyes at the gesture, “Where do you know that boy from, anyway?” 

“Met him in the train, spent the night together.” 

“Um, what?” the Chinese man’s eyes widened at the words that came out of his friend’s mouth. 

Junmyeon’s brain took a few more seconds to finally process what his friend was implying and he quickly shook his head, blushing a bit. 

“No! That's not what I meant, Xing,” he tried to explain, running a hand through his hair, “the train had a problem so we stayed in there for the whole night. It took off from Busan yesterday night and we’ve only gotten here about an hour ago.” 

“Oh,” Yixing said, carefully, “alright.” 

“Please help me?” Junmyeon asked again, pretty desperate. 

It hadn't been hard to convince Yixing. It’s never hard to convince the guy about anything. It’s one of the reasons Junmyeon loves the guy, because he’s always there when needed, even when it comes to hiring a boy who doesn't know the first thing about coffee or services. 

“Have you ever worked at a coffee shop before?” Yixing asked Baekhyun once him and Junmyeon came back with plates of breakfast.

“N-No,” the boy replied, biting his lip. 

Yixing tried his best to hide his sigh, “Would you like to try? It's not that hard, you know,” he said, trying his best (he’s always trying his best) to be as gentle as possible with the younger. 

It is no need, really. When Yixing tries to be gentle; because he is, naturally, the gentlest, nicest, softest person Junmyeon, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, Jongin, Taehyung and many other people had ever met. But Junmyeon had told him to be patient and go easy with the boy, before they'd came back to him. Yixing hadn't asked why, but when he’d found himself trying to exchange with Baekhyun, he’d understood what his friend meant. The boy really was shy and innocent.

“Really?” Baekhyun exclaimed, his eyes widening, “I-I could?” 

“Of course, yeah. There are many things to do here.” 

And as Yixing started showing Baekhyun around and explaining to him how everything worked, Junmyeon stayed close behind, watching over the boy, a sense of protectiveness blossoming into him, for no other reason than the boy himself, and his endearing shyness. 

And that's how Baekhyun ended up working for Yixing, taking as much shifts as he could, because that's what he’d been used to; working to exhaustion. And every day, Junmyeon made enough time in his schedule to pass by and look after the boy, sometimes going up to him and asking him about how he was doing, and sometimes only looking at him from afar, his heart swelling each time his gaze was met by Baekhyun’s shy smile. 

  
xXx 

  
“Baby, hey…” 

A few moments later, that's when Junmyeon decides that it's time to join his boyfriend in the bedroom and apologise some more. He pushes the slightly ajar door gently and makes his way to the bed in the small bedroom where Baekhyun is curled up in a ball. He's trembling and Junmyeon’s heart aches because even if Baekhyun does that sometimes, he rarely trembles anymore; it got better as the months passed, but his fragility was still, still taking the better of him. The older man sits on the edge of the bed, a hand coming up to brush the bangs away from the boy’s reddened face; he had been crying, still is. 

“Baby? Tell me what I did wrong, please…” 

Baekhyun sniffs and breathes hard through his mouth, trying to calm down as much as he can. That's something he learnt from his sessions with Minseok back in the day when he first got to Seoul. He still sees him, tells him things, but Junmyeon doesn't know what he says, Minseok is a psychologist, and as all psychologists, it's forbidden for him to give information about his patients to anyone; Junmyeon would know, because he tried to ask the guy about his boyfriend only to be told to figure things out by himself, or wait for Baekhyun to be ready. 

"I’m—I’m okay,” he mumbles, voice sweet and broken. 

Junmyeon sighs and lets his hand slip from the boy’s hair to his cheek to caress the soft skin, wiping salty tears in the process. He strokes Baekhyun’s face for a while, trying to make the boy relax, make the trembling stop and the nervousness go away. He slowly gets on the bed and lies on his side facing his boyfriend, his right hand still caressing the boy’s hot cheek. 

“Hey, little one…” he murmurs, finally giving in. 

His heart swells with love and pride when Baekhyun shivers and scoots closer to him, nuzzling his reddened face in his neck. He can feel the boy’s hot breath against his skin, and his body relaxing against his. He can feel Baekhyun’s hands on his chest getting steadier, the trembling leaving him slowly. He doesn't know if it's because of the words that just came out of his mouth or if it's because of his presence only – probably both – but he keeps on murmuring anyway, trying to make good use of his new found technic to appease his boy. 

“I’m sorry, Baekhyun I'm so sorry…” he says, kissing the boy’s fluffy hair, “My little boy, my sweet little baby boy…”

He can feel how those words seem to soothe Baekhyun like nothing else ever did. Junmyeon continues, using all the words the boy suggested and adding more, loving how his boyfriend responds to them, loving how he seems to regain control of himself, slowly as the words make him feel better. He places a hand on Baekhyun’s head to gently pull his face away from his neck and look at him for a moment. The boy has glossy eyes, but his features seem appeased and even with a red and swollen face, he looks less nervous and definitely less upset. Junmyeon smiles at the sight, before leaning down a bit to capture his boyfriend’s lips in his own. He kisses him slowly, lovingly, giving him the time and space to pull away if he wants to. But he's happy to feel Baekhyun pressing against his lips in return, returning the kiss with as much love and gentleness. He loves kissing Baekhyun, because the boy always abandons himself to him in an instant, letting him lead the way and take control. Junmyeon always feels an incredible amount of trust coming out of his boyfriend and it makes him proud, proud and incredibly happy. Baekhyun’s trust was something Junmyeon had fought for, something he had worked hard to gain and something he would never want to lose. Despite Baekhyun’s naivety, trust was something hard to come by. Junmyeon would know.

“Feeling better?” he can't help but ask, pulling away just enough to look at his boyfriend’s wet face. 

Baekhyun nods once, and Junmyeon offers him a sweet smile, before he pecks his lips once, twice and locks his gaze into the boy’s again, just when he lets his hands slip in the younger’s incredibly soft hair. Baekhyun closes his eyes and sighs contently at the gesture, unconsciously pulling himself even closer to Junmyeon, burying his face in the older man’s chest. There's, once again, something that blossoms into Junmyeon’s stomach, and the man holds on to the feeling as much as he can, because he knows it’s only a matter of time for his boy to fall asleep and mumble a name that's become familiar by now, a name he always pronounces as a murmur but clearly enough for Junmyeon to hear. He’s never confronted Baekhyun about it, doesn't really want to, in fear of the boy completely shutting him down or getting so upset he’d lock himself in his flat for days. It happened once, and Junmyeon had promised himself; never again. 

Tonight is no different from all the nights they get to spend together. Tonight, as most nights, Baekhyun falls asleep first in his man’s embrace and throws himself over at Morpheus, to dream about many things Junmyeon wish he’d know about. And as most nights, there's this name, this name Junmyeon knows has definitely something to do with Baekhyun’s behaviour towards others, this name he’s started to be so accustomed to. He sighs when he feels the boy’s lips move against his chest and his ears translating Baekhyun’s dreams. And so he falls asleep too, to the sound of his younger lover mumbling someone else’s name, brows furrowing and eager teeth catching his bottom lip, as per usual.

And when the morning comes, Junmyeon’s the first to rise, which isn't uncommon between the two. He gets up from the bed, untangling himself from Baekhyun and heads for a quick shower before he goes to prepare breakfast, trying hard to keep his brain from thinking about the name, the person behind the name and how much they seem to mean to Baekhyun, how much Baekhyun misses them. Because he can see it, he can feel it, how much Baekhyun’s craving something; something that Junmyeon cannot seem to be able to provide, no matter how hard he tries. 

And as for last night, today is no different. Junmyeon’s preparing breakfast just like he always does when he wakes up at Baekhyun’s, before heading up to work. Sleeping at each other’s place had come naturally, just like most things with Baekhyun, but still, Junmyeon had felt, the first time the boy asked him to stay, something akin to longing in his eyes and an ache he couldn't pinpoint in his expression. 

It doesn't take long for Baekhyun to wake up and look after Junmyeon, it never does. The older man takes pride in thinking that maybe, just maybe, Baekhyun needs him to be close, at all times, and his heart swells with love and fondness, every time he thinks about it. 

"Hyung,” Junmyeon hears his boyfriend’s sleepy voice say from the kitchen’s doorway. 

“Hey, lovely,” he greets back, turning to face the boy and offering him one of his sweetest smiles, “slept well?” 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun nods, a shy smile appearing on his lips. He comes closer and lets Junmyeon press his lips to his forehead, as the younger slowly wraps his arms around his older lover. 

“Breakfast’s almost ready. Want to help me set the table?” Junmyeon asks, after a few seconds of enjoying his sleepy boyfriend’s clingy self. 

Baekhyun nods his head before pulling away and grabbing some plates from the cupboards. Junmyeon goes back to his rice, making sure it tastes just as his favourite boy likes it. It's just a happy routine the man would never get tired of. 

Just as Junmyeon’s putting some rice in the second plate Baekhyun has placed on the table for them, he hears his younger lover’s sweet voice and sees him with a magazine in his hands when he looks up. His smile spreads wider and he watches, listening carefully. 

“H-How to habe… have gr-great? great. skin in fibe—five simple steps.” 

The satisfied smile on Baekhyun’s face makes Junmyeon’s heart almost jump out of his chest. He waits for the boy to finish another sentence before putting down the pan he has in hand on the table and making his way to his younger lover, enveloping him into the warmest back hug he can offer. 

“You're making incredible progress, baby.” He praises, in the boy’s ear, “I’m so proud of you, so, so proud of my Baekhyunnie.” 

The giggle that comes out of Baekhyun’s mouth has Junmyeon’s stomach hurting from how many butterflies are blossoming in there. He remembers the first time he noticed Baekhyun didn't know how to read or write; it wasn't long after the boy started working for Yixing, and he will never forget how Yixing had been the most gentle, patient and non-judging boss regarding such an important issue. 

  
xXx 

  
It had been two weeks since Baekhyun had started working at The Wave, and Junmyeon had received a call from Yixing around that time, alerting him about some things the man had noticed, that weren't exactly usual, for an 18 year old boy. 

“He never writes down the orders,” Yixing pointed out at the other end of the line, “he always uses his memory, which isn't bad in itself. But sometimes when it's crowded, it gets harder for him to work that way, but he always refuses to write anything down.” 

“Does it have an impact on his work?” Junmyeon immediately asked, frowning. 

“Sometimes, it does.” The Chinese man replied, sighing, “sometimes he gets the orders mixed up because he doesn't write them down. And sometimes he doesn't put together the right order, which is weird, because I have every name written over all the tea and coffee bags.” 

The frown on Junmyeon’s face deepened at that, just as the words from the woman on the train came back to him, and his eyes widened, realisation washing over him. 

“Oh my God,” he whispered, his heart clenching a little. 

“What is it, Junmyeon?” 

“I… I think he doesn't know how to read.” He said in a quiet voice, his clenching heart finally breaking completely. 

“What makes you think such a thing?” Yixing asked, bewildered. 

“There was a woman on the train with us, she told me that she knew him and that his parents never let him go to school,” Junmyeon explained, pained, “I… I remember at the train station, he didn't want to fill the papers the agents gave us to get repaid. He said that he didn't need it but… oh my God. He just didn't know how to fill them…” he continued, the inexplicable want to cry taking over him, “that's probably why he’d never read the contract of his last boss, which let the asshole take advantage of him so disgustingly.” 

“Okay, breathe.” Yixing had almost ordered his friend, hearing panic in his voice, “just come over next time he’s working and we’ll ask him, okay?” 

"Okay, yeah. Alright.” 

  
Next time happened to be the next evening, when Junmyeon got off work. He’d called Yixing before making his way to the café, asking him about Baekhyun and how he was doing. It was funny how Junmyeon had developed such a liking to the boy in such a short amount of time. But it didn't really alarm him, as Yixing seemed to be as fond of Baekhyun as he was. 

When Junmyeon finally made it to the café, he found Baekhyun behind the counter, handing a cup of steaming tea to a pleased customer. He stayed there for a while, just watching him work, his smile making Junmyeon want to hug him so tightly and tell him that he’d be okay, no matter his past, no matter his life story. 

“Hey, Junmyeon!” A sweet female voice greeted him, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

“Oh, hi Choa!” he replied back, a big smile finding its way on his handsome face, “How are you doing?”

Park Choa had always been someone he’d loved. From the very first time he’d met her, back in the day at Chanyeol’s parents when he was only 8, he’d fallen in love with her gentleness and incredibly sweet self. From day one he’d felt protective towards her, almost like an older brother, except he was younger than her, and not actually her brother. Chanyeol’s her brother, a very protective one too; so protective he’d locked himself with Yixing in the Chinese man’s dorm for a whole week worth of questions and threats, when the latter had told him about how he felt about his sister. Chanyeol let it go a bit easier than usual, only because no matter how much he’d tried, he’d never found a thing to accuse him of, and also because Kyungsoo had stepped in to whisper some magical words in his ear that made him soften, and finally give his blessings to his sister’s new boyfriend. 

Today they’re married, though at the time Junmyeon met Baekhyun, they’d only been engaged, for a few weeks, (Chanyeol had choked on his own spit when he’d heard the news, but he’s a big teddy bear, so everything had turned out fine). 

“I’m great, thank you!” Choa replied with the same smile, pulling Junmyeon into a warm hug, “how’s life treating you since you're back here?” 

Junmyeon chuckled, pulling away after a few seconds of hugging his favourite girl in the world, “I’m okay. Work’s work. Life’s life.” 

“You sound incredibly bored. And boring for that matter,” Yixing’s voice was heard, the man appearing out of nowhere behind Choa, “and give me my fiancée back.” 

The Chinese man made a pouting face after that, pulling Choa gently towards him and pressing a kiss on her short light chocolate brown hair. The gesture made Junmyeon laugh; Yixing had always been sappy, something everyone pretends to be grossed out with, but secretly loves him for. 

"Baekhyun’s shift ends in 5 minutes,” Yixing said. 

“He’s such a sweet boy!” Choa cooed, turning her head to the side to look at Baekhyun, “Incredibly naïve, though.” 

Junmyeon smiled at that. He really didn't know how to feel about it; didn't know the boy enough to know if his naivety was a pro or a con, so he stayed silent, which gave room for Choa to continue her praising of Baekhyun. 

“So shy, too. Oh and he's got a lot of success,” she continued, pointing her chin at a young boy at the counter that was looking at Baekhyun dreamily, “with everyone…” 

“Cute.” It was Junmyeon’s only reply to that. He really didn't know how to feel about it, about Baekhyun being wanted by someone else, someone that wasn't him. 

They kept on talking after that, about all and nothing, Choa complaining about how her younger brothers were teaming up to make her life a living hell, (which wasn't new in itself, Junmyeon had always known Chanyeol and Jimin to be very good pranksters, especially with their older sister), and Yixing petting her hair, because he could. They’d also talked some more about Jongin’s wedding, reminiscing the most hilarious parts of it (it’d been a pretty funny wedding, with Kyungsoo as best man, and Chanyeol glaring at anyone who’d lay an eye on his beloved). And when the two of them were being called at the back because something with the machines had went wrong, Junmyeon sat at a table, wondering if he, himself would ever be able to find someone like Choa, or Yixing; someone who would love him to the point of working unpaid hours in his café, just to help. Or someone who would be crazy enough to fall into his overprotective arms. 

It was only when he saw Baekhyun returning from the staff’s room with the green blazer and name tag from the café off, replaced by a plain white shirt and navy clue jacket, that Junmyeon finally decided to wave him over, a big smile on his face. Baekhyun smiled back and turned around to greet the employee that was taking over his shift, before making his way to the man, hands in his pockets. 

“Good evening,” the boy said, his voice as soft as Junmyeon remembered it to be. 

“Hi,” Junmyeon replied back, “how are you doing, Baekhyun?” 

“I'm fine, thank you,” the boy said, biting his lip. And after a second of hesitation, he asked, looking up into Junmyeon’s eyes, “how about you?” 

“Lovely.” The older man pointed at the sit in front of him, “I'm quite alright, thank you.” 

Baekhyun sat down in front of him, eyes looking here and there, something like confusion and relief written all over his face. Junmyeon offered him a reassuring smile, leaning over the table a tiny bit. 

“I came to see if you were doing okay, and if Yixing was treating you well enough,” 

The chuckle that came out of Baekhyun’s mouth was definitely something Junmyeon hadn't expected, but it warmed his heart, unbelievably so. 

“Yixing is very nice,” the boy said, smiling softly, “m-much nicer than Mr. Lee.” 

And there was the stuttering again; Junmyeon didn’t know anymore if it was the nerves or something else, because Baekhyun seemed to stutter way too much for it to be only nervousness messing with him and playing tricks on his tongue.

“Do you like it, here?” 

Baekhyun nodded, and Junmyeon’s relief translated itself by a puff of air that came out of his mouth, just before his lips spread out into an umpteenth smile. 

“Thank you,” the boy almost whispered, his gaze meeting the older man’s, “for asking and—and y-yeah.” 

Junmyeon’s heart swelled with something he couldn't pinpoint at that time, making him feel all warm and happy. And that's probably when he realised that he did care about the boy, a bit more than he should. But he didn't mind, because it seemed to make Baekhyun feel good, cared for, and so he wasn't going to stop; he was older than him after all, 8 years separated them, he could be like an older brother the boy could lean on. Junmyeon was ready to be there if Baekhyun ever asked. Maybe it was going too fast in his mind, maybe he was getting attached to someone who didn't want to be attached to him, but still, he wanted this, almost longed for the boy to reach out to him, find shelter in his arms. 

“Baekhyun?” he breathed, trying to be as gentle as possible, “Yixing told me about how sometimes you get the orders wrong, because you don't write them down.” 

The boy’s eyes widened at the words, and he started looking everywhere just to avoid the older man’s gaze. Junmyeon’s heart clenched, his worries starting to feel incredibly real. 

“I—I get them right most of the time,” Baekhyun replied defensively, a frown appearing on his face. Junmyeon didn't like it, the boy’s face was too pretty to be frowning. 

“I know you do. But it’d be much easier for you if you wrote them down, you know?” the older man insisted, using his most reassuring voice, “So why don't you?” 

There's a pause for a while then, because Baekhyun isn't replying, his eyes fixated on the empty table that is between them. Junmyeon could almost hear the boy debating with himself on wether to speak or not. But what he didn't expect was the tears that soon came rolling down Baekhyun’s cheek, the boy silently chewing on his bottom lip and swallowing down the pride he’d gotten left. Junmyeon was quick to react; carefully, he held his hand out to the boy, trying to hide the fact that seeing him in such a state makes him want to cry, too. And when Baekhyun finally took the offered hand after a few seconds of contemplation, Junmyeon felt his heart almost jump out of his chest, because finally, finally, he’d gotten a bit closer to breaking the boy’s shell. 

In a few steps, they found themselves in one of the backrooms of the café, where Yixing had installed some couches because sometimes he just loved to laze around and supervise everything while his employees were working. This room where Junmyeon led them both to, is a room the latter particularly loves, because many things had happened there, many memories are bound to this place, and he was hoping that maybe, Baekhyun opening up to him could be a new one to add to the list. 

(X)

“What is it?” he asked softly, letting go of the boy’s hand, “it's okay Baekhyun, you can tell me anything. You're okay.” 

Baekhyun was still crying, his sobs muffled by his teeth abusing his lip, and his eyes blinking to clear his vision from the tears that were blurring it. 

“I…,” he started, avoiding Junmyeon’s gaze, “I don't—I can't w-write…” 

And once again, Junmyeon’s heart had been broken, just like that. 

  
xXx

  
Today, Baekhyun reads, and writes. Though it’s still difficult for him, he’s found ways to write the orders down and since then, there was no mistakes made anymore. Junmyeon’s proud of him, he's proud of his boy, proud of how hardworking he is, and how eager to learn he’d turned out to be. This is still difficult sometimes, because even though Baekhyun knows the basics, reading a book isn't something he can do as of right now, reading the newspaper requires for someone to be there next to him and help him read all the words he doesn't understand, because there's a lot – a lot more than Junmyeon had expected there to be. And then, there's communicating by text messages, something he’s learnt with Junmyeon, something the man had insisted on teaching him, because he’d always wanted for the boy to be able to read a sweet message when he wakes up in the morning, and falls asleep to a loving one, at night. 

He'd never really asked Baekhyun about his past, knows it’s a touchy subject so he’d never pressed it. When he’d learnt about the boy’s illiteracy, the only thing he’d had in mind was helping him get over it, helping him learn. He'd never asked, even though Baekhyun’s past is mysterious to him, and he doesn't understand most things related to the boy, he prefers it that way, he prefers for the boy to tell him when he’s ready, just like Minseok had told him he should do… or at least, he tells himself that he does. 

“Tonight we’ll have another lesson, okay?” Junmyeon says, running a hand through his younger lover’s soft hair. 

The boy nods once, “Thank you,” he replies, “thank you, Hyung.” 

Junmyeon’s heart swells with love and pride, as he lets Baekhyun kiss his neck, leaving loving pecks all over his white creamy skin. It’s making him shiver, and turning him on like it shouldn't be. Shouldn't be because he knows he hasn't got a lot of time and he needs to get going if he doesn't want to be late for work, but he really doesn't care; he never does when it's about Baekhyun, because Baekhyun comes before anything else. It's always been that way, from the moment they met, and Junmyeon hopes it will stay like that, until the second death tears them apart. Some might think he's engaging into a blurry future with no certainties whatsoever, but Junmyeon doesn't care, he'd stopped caring about what people would think of him – of them – a long time ago, and from that day on, life has been so much easier to deal with. Though sometimes, when it comes from his dearest friends, caring isn't something he's able to not avoid doing. 

“Hey there, sweetheart,” he whispers, taking the boy’s face into his hands before offering him a loving, breathtaking kiss, square on the lips. Baekhyun’s pliant today, Junmyeon loves that. Sometimes, being intimate with each other is hard, because Baekhyun is unpredictable; sometimes he's okay with everything, he's okay with being touched, manhandled, loved, cherished and marked all over, but some other times, he still flinches, so much so that it reminds Junmyeon of the first time he’d touched him in the train. The older man doesn't know when it’s okay to touch, when it's not, so he just lets it happen when he feels his boy is in a good mood, and when he's not, Junmyeon stays away, looking at him curling up around his limbs and whispering that name, the name he, more often than not, mumbles in his sleep. Junmyeon would get jealous, but he can't bring himself to be, not when he sees his boy’s breathtaking smile spread across his lips, as he repeats insatiably, the same name over and over again. 

Despite his usual shyness towards people and things that surround him in general, Baekhyun never shies away from sex, when he's in the right mood. Junmyeon soon discovered how experienced the boy was when it came to being intimate with another man, and it only surprised him because Baekhyun seems as innocent as your average pre teenage boy. But when he's in bed, it's a whole other story, a whole new Baekhyun that isn't afraid to voice his pleasure, give in whatever Junmyeon’s commends and fulfil the older man’s needs like no other man before him. 

Baekhyun still blushes a lot though. He blushes and hides his face, and bates his eyelashes, lips pink and eyes glossy full of innocence. He does things way better than most of Junmyeon’s last partners, makes the man feel like he’d never felt before, and sometimes Junmyeon wonders where he’d learnt all of this. Sometimes he wonders if the name the boy keeps clinging onto has something to do with how good he is in bed. He probably does, considering what Junmyeon knows about the stranger; he’s not sure though, not sure he wants to know, but curiosity always eats at him each time the boy gets down on him and offers him the best head he’s ever experienced. 

Junmyeon had never thought that sharing his bed with a boy 8 years his cadet would be this fulfilling, but it is, very amazingly so. 

And the way everything started had Junmyeon thinking that maybe, falling for the boy was as dangerous as stepping into a house on fire. Because even before they got together, Baekhyun had pronounced the name, he had told Junmyeon about the guy, told him disturbing things but never shared anything anymore, never opened up after his breakdown. And Junmyeon never pressed, because after what he’d heard, he doesn't know if he really wants to know more.

  
xXx 

  
The first time Junmyeon realised that Baekhyun had a serious problem when it came to intimate relationships was one night, after the boy’s shift at The Wave. They’d known each other for about 3 months at that point, and every now and then, Junmyeon came around and pulled Baekhyun to one of the back rooms. There, he’d pull out of his bag a reading book – one he’d taken from his kindergarten teacher little brother, Jongin – and start showing the boy letters and words, smiling proudly each time he got them right. Baekhyun had been very shy and embarrassed about it at first, he’d stayed quiet the first few times Junmyeon had tried to teach him, but as the days went by, he’d warmed up to the man, and accepted the fact that Junmyeon was only there to help and not judge. 

That day, they were in their usual backroom, the smallest one Yixing had added a desk and chairs to, for them to be able to study in the best way possible. Baekhyun was trying to read a word and Junmyeon was sitting in front of him, the desk separating them. 

"M-Mon…mon? d… um…” the boy tried, frowning at the word. 

“Yes, that's right Baekhyun, you're almost there,” Junmyeon encouraged him, smiling softly. 

The younger looked up for a second, before his eyes fell back on the sheet of paper and he tried again, much slower this time, trying to read each letter before putting them together and finally getting it right. 

“Day… Monday!” he read, looking up again at Junmyeon with a proud smile that showed his perfectly white teeth.

“Yes, perfect! You've got it!” Junmyeon praised, chuckling as he high-fived the boy. 

Baekhyun beamed at him, before he pulled back and sighed happily. They'd been at it for an hour and Junmyeon could see that the boy’s eyes were starting to hurt a bit from squinting too much at the paper. He smiled at him once more and got up, just before he started collecting the book and papers he’d spread out on the desk. It was a slow process, but Junmyeon was patient enough, and just the fact that Baekhyun could recognise almost all the letters on the alphabet was proof enough for him that he was right to insist, that he was right to hold on to his want, his need to help the boy. 

“Th-Thank you…” 

Junmyeon looked up at Baekhyun with wide eyes, as he felt all warm again, his insides bathing into the sweetness of the boy’s voice. It wasn't the first time Baekhyun thanked him, but this time, this time it felt special. Maybe it had something to do with the way the boy said it, something in his voice, in his smile that wasn't there before, something in his tone that screamed sincerity, gratitude. 

Junmyeon mirrored the boy’s smile, as he made his way to the door, a fuzzy feeling taking over him. But just as he closed his fingers over the handle, he felt Baekhyun’s hand close over his own, and he looked back up, to see the boy in front of him, something like determination dancing into his eyes. It all happened so fast then, so fast Junmyeon almost stumbled backwards. Baekhyun fell down on his knees in one swift motion in front of him, and looked up at him, blinking slowly, the smile never leaving his lips. 

“Baekhyun what—what are you doing?” Junmyeon stuttered, swallowing. 

The boy bite his bottom lip, making Junmyeon want to pull him up and kiss the living hell out of him; something he’d never thought he’d ever want to do to him – but now he did, now he definitely did. He probably even would've been bold enough to do it, if the circumstances were any different. 

“Baekhyun, get up,” the older man tried, stepping back a bit. 

Confusion settled in the boy’s eyes as he stopped his hands mid way from reaching for Junmyeon’s belt. He let them fall down and frowned at the man, a pout forming on his lips. Junmyeon himself felt a bubble of confusion built up into him, replacing the initial shock that Baekhyun’s behaviour had triggered in him. 

“I-I want to thank you…” the boy whispered, his head falling down to look at his knees on the ground. 

Junmyeon’s eyes widened even more if possible, a mix of feelings taking over him, different feelings, but all as confusing as ever. Slowly, he let himself fall down in front of the boy, knees touching the younger’s, hands reaching for his face, carefully. A sighs of relief came out of his mouth when Baekhyun didn't flinch, and something akin to a sharp stab to the heart was felt when he saw the boy’s eyes looking right back at him, beautiful deep and dark chocolate orbs filled with tears, hurt, and somehow lost, so lost. 

“I… I just wanted to thank you…” the boy breathed, voice broken. 

“You really don't have to. And there's… so many other ways to thank me, if you really want to.” Junmyeon whispered back, his hands still cupping the boy’s face, “Why would you want to do this?” 

Baekhyun got even more confused at the last words that came out of Junmyeon’s mouth; the older man could see him searching in his eyes for some answers, almost looking at him like this situation was the most absurd he’d ever been into. The boy then closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them again, the only thing Junmyeon seemed to be able to see in them was deep confusion, mixed with a hint of sorrow that seemed to linger there. 

“B-Because you care for me and I… I want to c-care for you, too.” Baekhyun murmured, eyes boring into Junmyeon’s, “Isn't… isn't it h-how you care for someone? When they’re n-nice to you?” 

Junmyeon’s heart clenched even more, “Oh God, Baekhyun. No,” he let his thumbs caress the boy’s cheeks slowly, catching the tears that were still flowing down from the latter’s eyes, “Of course not. Who told you that?” 

Baekhyun's face fell down again, slipping off the older man's fingers. Junmyeon heard him sniff and swallow, before he gathered the courage to look back up again, even more lost than before. 

“It’s the only way I know how…” he whispered, voice clear of any stutter, “please?” 

The pleading in his voice got Junmyeon off guard. This was strange, so very strange, but Baekhyun breaking down in front of him for him rejecting such an act made him feel something even bigger than strange. Yet again, a mix of feelings going from heartbreak to extreme confusion, made him forget about where they were and why they were there in the first place. Carefully, he placed three fingers under the boy’s chin and offered him a weak smile, understanding that this boy, this Baekhyun right there, wasn't like any other boy his age, and he probably needed extra care, extra understanding, extra attention and extra, extra carefulness. 

“Listen,” he started, “why don't I teach you other ways to thank me?” 

“Why can't I do this?” Baekhyun mumbled, pouting and frowning between his quiet sobs.

“Because,” Junmyeon sighed, “because this is intimate Baekhyun. Way too intimate for you to do it to me.” 

“Why. Can't I. Do this?” The boy repeated stubbornly, voice loud and clear this time. 

The older man swallowed, at a complete loss for words. He’d never seen the boy like this before, frowning as if he was about to break down again, but this time, anger taking over, anger and confusion. Baekhyun pulled away from Junmyeon’s grip and looked at him again right in the eyes. 

“Jongdae always did it to dad! He never let me though, even when dad wanted to, he always did it himself. I know I can be good too, why don't people let me show how good I can be, too?!” he almost yelled, and Junmyeon choked on his spit, his ears ringing from such a horrid confession.

It didn't take long for Baekhyun’s anger to turn back into broken sobs and a mess of stutter. 

“Dae always d-did it even—even if it h-hurt him,” the more the boy spoke, the more Junmyeon’s heart broke, disgust lodging into the pit of his stomach, “Jongdae t-told me it’s not—not supposed to hurt, b-but dad, he—he’s always hurting him. He told m-me that it’s suppos—supposed to be something g-good and that I needed to t-try, but ne—never with dad,”

Junmyeon stayed silent, his eyes burning with tears of shock and disgust, but as much as he wanted to reach out for the boy and whisper reassuring words into his ear, he just couldn't bring himself to – he just couldn't approach such a broken boy, in fear of breaking him even more. 

“I k-know why Jongdae never let me. It's because dad is mean, I know he is. B-But you are s-so nice and Jongdae said that if—if I ever met someone nice w-who cared for me, then I'd be able to d-do it to them and—and I want to d-do it to you, I want to do it f-for you...” 

Junmyeon swallowed again, the want and need to please the boy, fulfil his wish and let him do what he wanted, clashing with his mind yelling at him that he should just get up and leave the room already. He was torn between that strange feeling Baekhyun’s pleading expression was giving him and the shock and disgust the boy’s words had awakened into him. He could tell before that Baekhyun’s childhood hadn't been an easy one, but this… this he’d never imagined he’d learn about him. 

And so they stayed silent for a while, Junmyeon having an internal debate while Baekhyun was trying his best not to fall back into another breakdown. The boy fell back against the wall, just as Junmyeon closed his eyes, trying to gather all the courage in the world to be able to deal with the situation. He was lost, probably just as lost as the boy next to him, but in a different way, because he, at least, could feel how wrong this all was. But even with that feeling, something in him just couldn't reject Baekhyun completely, a part of his heart was already gone for the boy, and it was way too late to try to fight it. 

“Have you… have you ever done it before?” he asked then, leaning his weight against the door, next to the younger. 

Baekhyun looked up to the side, and when their eyes met, Junmyeon couldn't help but inhale deeply, his heart doing summersaults in his chest. 

“Y-Yes,” the boy replied, “for Jongdae.” 

“Did you like it?” the older man asked carefully. 

Baekhyun’s gaze fell down to his knees and Junmyeon could just see the longing smile on his face, before a soft giggle came out of those pretty pink lips. Junmyeon could swear his heart stopped for a second. 

“Yeah…,” the boy nodded his head, “b-because it made my Jongdae f-feel so much better…” 

My Jongdae. That was the exact moment Junmyeon understood the importance of that name in the boy’s life. He managed a smile, letting a hand creep back to Baekhyun’s cheek, carefully cupping his face. 

“Have you ever kissed someone before, Baekhyun?” 

The boy nodded again, his gaze meeting Junmyeon’s. 

“Was it Jongdae?” 

Again, another nod, accompanied this time, by a dreamy smile and sparkling eyes.

“Was it to thank him, too?” Junmyeon continued, his thumb rubbing circles on Baekhyun’s reddening cheek. 

“Sometimes,” the boy replied, closing his eyes. 

"Can I thank you, then?” the older man asked, his voice a murmur. 

“W-Why?” Baekhyun opened his eyes at this, confusion written all over his sweet features. 

“For trusting me,” Junmyeon explained, and just like that, he leaned in, pressing his lips to the boy’s pretty pink ones. 

And that's what it was, just a press of lips. Nothing more, but definitely nothing less. A press of lips that sent shivers down Junmyeon’s spine, making him want more, but holding back, because if he really was honest with himself, that's all he really bed de at that moment. Baekhyun didn't pull away, pressing his lips harder, and Junmyeon just couldn't get enough of the boy’s eagerness; eagerness to please, eagerness to trust. 

At that time, Junmyeon didn't really thought it over, he really didn't care. Didn't care about the boy’s messed up past, didn't care about the boy’s obvious love for someone else, didn't care about the boy’s age. The only thing he cared about was how Baekhyun let himself melt against him, enveloping his body with his warmth, innocence and trust. 

And that's why he’d decided that, from then on, Baekhyun would be his priority, always and hopefully, forever. 

  
xXx 

  
“I'm going back to Busan this week-end,” Baekhyun tells him that night, when they're both back from work and cuddled in the water, playing with the bubbles. They're at Junmyeon’s this time, because the man picked his boy up from work and brought him back home with him, as he didn't really want for the boy to stay alone tonight, especially after last night’s breakdown. 

“Okay,” is Junmyeon’s only reply. It always is. 

Baekhyun always goes back to Busan, once every two months, once every month if he’s able to afford the trip. He never accepts Junmyeon’s money when it comes to those trips, the older man doesn't understand why, but he lets his younger lover be, because that's not what's important anyway. What is actually important is what Baekhyun does there, and Junmyeon has no idea what it is. He would ask, probably should ask, too, as a boyfriend, as the protective partner he is, but he never does, because when the boy comes back, most of the times, he’s full of renewed energy, happy mood and insatiable libido. It's like there's something there, someone, who makes him feel better, helps him get trough another cycle of his life. Something Junmyeon apparently isn't able to do. It hurts him a bit, but he doesn't know how to bring it up, doesn't know how to ask without sounding bitchy and overly jealous. 

Other times though, he almost breaks and asks, not thinking about the consequences. Because other times, he finds Baekhyun curled up in his bathroom, or his living room – depending whose flat they're in – crying in the middle of the night, knees to his chest and arms wrapped around them. He doesn't go to him when he sees him like that, because he did once, and that didn't turn out very well. So he just lets him be, because that's the only thing that seems to calm the boy down; letting him be, cry and stop by himself. 

Those nights, Junmyeon thinks that maybe Baekhyun takes those trips to Busan to see family, but it just doesn't add up, because the boy never talks about it, never talks about whatever family he has left. The times he comes back happy, Junmyeon thinks that maybe, he went to visit that boy he always dreams about, and maybe they spent the week-end together, cuddling, kissing, making love… this is a heartbreaking thought to him, but he just can't confront Baekhyun about it, because he knows the boy wouldn't understand, he knows the boy would think it's okay, because that's just how Baekhyun works, just how he is. 

“How was work, today?” Junmyeon asks after a while, wrapping his arms around his younger loved from behind, pulling him even closer. 

The boy lets his head fall back on Junmyeon’s shoulder, his back pressed against the older man’s toned chest, and he smiles, one of those cute smiles Junmyeon always wants to kiss the hell out of, every time he sees them. 

“It was fun,” Baekhyun replies, closing his eyes, “your friends came by.” 

“My friends?” Junmyeon lifted an eyebrow. 

“Chanyeol and Kyungsoo.” 

“Right, my friends. They're your friends too, now. Silly!” 

Baekhyun giggles, turning his head to the side to hide his face in the crook of Junmyeon’s neck. It makes the older man want to make love to him right then and there, because he's just too cute for his own good. 

“Did they bother my baby boy?” he asks, slipping a hand in his boy’s soft and wet hair. This is something new, calling him that, but he’s learnt his lesson, and h’s happy to oblige, if it makes his boy happy. He strangely likes it, too.

“No,” the other replies, sighing happily as he feels his lover scratching his scalp lovingly, “Chanyeol b-bothered Yixing a lot, though.” 

Another giggle and Junmyeon just can't take it anymore. He laughs and nudges Baekhyun for him to turn around. The boy obeys and finds himself sitting between his older lover’s legs, a soft smile playing on his lips. 

“You're doing so much better,” Junmyeon praises, as he brushes away some wet hair from the boy’s forehead, “with the stuttering, I mean.” He explains, when Baekhyun looks at him a bit confused. 

“Oh,” the boy says, a blush spreading across his cheeks. He looks down a bit, “thank you…” 

“Thank you?” the older man repeats, raising a teasing eyebrow. 

Baekhyun looks up and giggles once more, hiding his mouth with both his hands. He pulls them down after a few seconds and licks his lips before he leans down and presses them against Junmyeon’s. Their lips start moving together in synch, as they kiss lovingly, getting even closer to one another in order to press their bodies together even more. Now they're chest to chest, and that's probably one of the only times Junmyeon actually gets a bit self conscious about their age difference. It's not so much the age difference in itself, but more the fact that Baekhyun really does look even younger than he actually is, and he’s small, so small and fragile. He doesn't have muscles; where Junmyeon has very defined abs, Baekhyun has a cute belly and where Junmyeon has toned arms and legs, Baekhyun is actually skinny with thick thighs. Those thighs… Junmyeon would never trade them for anything in this world. He loves everything about Baekhyun, everything about his body; to his cute bum to his soft cheeks, to his flat stomach to his pretty pretty fingers. Everything about this boy is beautiful, and even when something in him warns him that their age difference might shock some, he just pushes it aside and enjoys his time with his beloved, because what's 8 years when you're in love with the cutest, softest, strongest, most courageous and smartest boy on planet Earth? 

“Now, that's a proper thank you,” Junmyeon laughs when they pull away, foreheads still pressed together. 

Baekhyun shakes his head with a little smirk and looks down between them, as he grabs Junmyeon under the still warm water. The older man gasps. 

“Okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait,” he says urgently, as he gently pulls Baekhyun’s hand away from him, “let's get out of here first, yeah?” 

Baekhyun nods, though a pout appears on his face and Junmyeon knows it’s not even for show, and he can't help but laugh at the eagerness of the boy. He never likes turning him down, because he never knows when Baekhyun will want to do it again. But he’s not turning him down right now, and the boy knows it. 

So they wash up, Junmyeon scrubbing his boy everywhere like a mum would do to her small child, and Baekhyun playing with his older lover’s hair as he puts shampoo all over it. 

And once they're out, Junmyeon wraps a big fluffy towel all around Baekhyun’s body, from his shoulders to his calves, before wrapping one around his waist and leading them to bed; they don't bother with clothes, knowing that putting them on now would just be a waste of time since what they are about to do doesn't really require to be dressed. 

The bed is incredibly comfortable, as they both fall into it, arms wrapped around each other. Baekhyun doesn't waste any time though, he immediately gets up and runs his hands all over Junmyeon’s toned chest, just because he likes it –Junmyeon knows just how much (that's why he tends to never really wear shirts to bed, enjoying Baekhyun’s kitten licks all over his pale skin after a hot shower). The boy licks down his older lover’s chest, just like he always does, until he wraps his hands around the white towel and pulls it off, exposing all of Junmyeon’s nakedness to his pretty pretty innocent eyes. 

“Thank you,” he says, looking up for a second before looking back down again, and enveloping Junmyeon in the warmth and wetness of his pretty pretty mouth. 

There are a few things Junmyeon will never get tired of, and having his boy between his legs making him feel like the luckiest man on earth, thanking him just like he knows how, pretty pretty pink lips around him and pretty pretty fingers gripping the insides of his thighs, is definitely one of them. 

He moans and lets himself go, just like he did the very first time it happened, all those months ago… 

  
xXx

  
6 months. They'd known each other for 6 months when finally, Junmyeon allowed Baekhyun to do what he’d been begging to do for about 3 months at that point. Since their kiss in one of the back rooms at Yixing’s café, since they'd decided to take a step forward into their relationship and meet more, go out together and invite each other at one another’s place. Baekhyun hadn't really been begging per say but Junmyeon could notice sometimes, how the boy’s eyes would linger on him and how a question was always on the tip of his tongue, every time they had to part ways. He really didn't understand this obsession the boy seemed to have, but he didn't question it, the fear of having to see Baekhyun’s red face all wet with tears preventing him from doing so. He just really didn't want to see the boy cry, ever again. 

They were at Junmyeon’s, enjoying a meal the man had prepared, while watching some romantic drama that Baekhyun seemed to enjoy spending his free time speculating about, getting Junmyeon to know all about it in the meantime. It was cute, how the boy got sometimes confused about the story, how h’d sometimes tell Junmyeon that they were kind of like the couple on tv, because they hugged and spent most of their free time together, kissed and shared those secret smiles him and Baekhyun seemed to share more and more often. Junmyeon was happy the boy saw them as such, because he did, too. There really wasn't any label on their relationship and Junmyeon didn't tell his friends about it, but it was good that way, it was safe.

“They're cute,” Junmyeon pointed out, as the credits were rolling. 

Baekhyun smiled, “Y-Yes,” he trapped his bottom lip between his teeth and looked down at his lap, “they are.” 

A small smile spread across the older man’s face as he reached his hand up to let his fingers carefully brush the hair away from Baekhyun’s eyes. 

“Stop chewing your lip,” he said softly, his thumb sliding down the boy’s cheek to fall on the said bottom lip, gently pulling until the younger let it go, mouth opening slightly, “doesn't it hurt?” 

Baekhyun shrugged and Junmyeon leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips in return. He pulled away and sighed, closing his eyes as he let himself fall back on the couch. 

“Are you t-tired?” the boy asked, a hint of worry in his voice. 

Junmyeon turned his head to the side, so he’d be able to meet Baekhyun’s gaze. He could definitely see worry in the boy’s eyes and just that alone made him feel all warm inside. He smiled and then grimaced a bit as he started rubbing his tired eyes. 

“Yes sweetheart, I am,” he said, before letting his hand fall to his side and smiling tiredly at his cadet. 

The blush on Baekhyun’s cheeks was evident; he always blushed when Junmyeon used a pet name for him, and it made the man want to use all sorts of nicknames just to see the boy blush again. 

“Work is hard these days, I haven't been sleeping much. And I'm a bit stressed too, to be honest,” he added, “sorry…” 

Baekhyun shook his head, frowning, “No…, p-please don't be sorry.” 

Junmyeon smiled at the boy, looking into his eyes with something akin to love, sparkling all through him. The younger shifted, until he found himself sitting sideways on the older’s lap, and he pressed little soft kisses right on Junmyeon’s jaw, making the man bite his lip and lift his head up a bit, exposing his jaw and neck a bit more. It wasn't the first time they did this; kiss each other like that. Through those 3 months, they'd learnt about each other, where to kiss, where to touch. But never went further than this and never asked the other to do as much. So they were completely comfortable with this, Junmyeon was happy with whatever they had and Baekhyun seemed to be satisfied with whatever he could get. The boy kissed the older man’s neck a bit more, pressing his lips all over the pale skin he could reach, making Junmyeon moan without even trying too much. Baekhyun’s lips were soft and they felt so nice on his skin, so nice and perfect, fitting. 

The boy pulled away after a while, a satisfied smile on his face. He leaned down again to press a soft kiss to the older man’s lips and rested his head on Junmyeon’s chest, sighing quietly. Junmyeon lifted a hand right away, slipping eager fingers into the boy’s soft hair – a habit by now. 

“P-Please Hyung… can I—can I help you… relax?”

Baekhyun’s voice came out almost as a broken whisper, and just by the tone of it, Junmyeon knew exactly what the boy was asking for. He closed his eyes, debating on wether or not to let the boy have his way with him, but soon, he shook his head a bit and swallowed hard. They were together, they were involved. It was the first time Baekhyun asked for this since the time they were in The Wave’s backroom, and Junmyeon couldn't begin to imagine how much courage the boy had gathered to ask for it again. This thought only made his heart hammer incredibly hard against his chest, and he chose to focus on it, only focus on that very fact. Because they were involved now, they were together. 

He took the boy’s chin between his fingers and lifted his head up from his chest, so that he could meet his eyes. 

“Please,” he whispered softly, feeling himself getting a bit more aroused now, his body anticipating what was going to happen, way better than him. 

The sparkle in Baekhyun’s eyes was only proof of how right he’d been to agree to this. The boy, surprised at first, quickly traded the shock for something that looked more like giddiness and immense gratitude. Junmyeon didn't really understand why someone would be grateful for such a thing, but that was Baekhyun, and Baekhyun wasn't just someone. 

The boy slowly slide down then, slipping easily between Junmyeon’s parted legs, to end up on his knees on the floor, facing the couch, facing Junmyeon’s obvious hardening manhood. It was a beautiful sight already, and Junmyeon couldn't take his eyes off of the younger, because something about the determination in his eyes made him shiver all over. 

“Baekhyun-ah,” he called softly, waiting for the boy to acknowledged him before continuing, “are you sure?” 

The only response the boy gave him was a smile; a smile Junmyeon didn't know how to read into, a smile full of many emotions that the man didn't know what to make of, but ignored at that time, because the sparkle in Baekhyun’s eyes was worth it. 

And when Baekhyun slowly unbuckled his belt and unzipped his jeans, Junmyeon held his breath, waiting for the next step, eager to be touched, eager to feel and be felt. And when finally, Baekhyun pulled him out of his last layer of cloth to expose him to his pretty pretty innocent eyes, Junmyeon swallowed and closed his own, because he couldn't possibly look, afraid to end this before it even got to start. Afraid he’d find release too soon, but also afraid his doubts and the look on Baekhyun’s face would make him pull away, because this was wrong, in so many ways, he knew. He knew but still let it happen, because Baekhyun wanted it, and Baekhyun was his priority, would always be. 

And from that very day, their relationship took a very important turn, and from that very day, Junmyeon didn't care about sitting too close to Baekhyun in front of other people, taking his hand sometimes, and even kissing his cheek when he could. Because from then on, he just couldn't hide how enamoured he was. 

  
xXx 

  
The week-end arrives way too quickly and Baekhyun has to go. Junmyeon is standing on the platform, waving off his younger lover who's found a seat in the train next to one big window. He's smiling, waving back, making Junmyeon feel all warm inside. He never likes it when Baekhyun leaves him for Busan, he's always moody when his lover isn't there with him, but he knows the boy will be back tomorrow, so it soothes him a bit and he feels better, kind of. 

He's got the week-end all to himself, but even that thought doesn't appease him as much as it should. He's going to try and meet his friends, it's been a while. Maybe have dinner with his brother, too. It's not like he can't do all these things when Baekhyun’s there, it's just that when he's not, tongues are lighter than usual, and they allow things to be said, things they don't let pass through when the boy is around. Junmyeon knows some of his friends don't see his relationship with Baekhyun as sane, he knows that others are not accepting of it at all, and that his own brother finds the boy way too problematic for Junmyeon to be with. The only person who never told him anything negative about it is the last person he thought would be okay with it, but then again, Kyungsoo is never as readable as people may think. So that is the person Junmyeon chooses to call first, after he goes back to his car and unlocks his phone. They decide to meet for lunch and Junmyeon lets out a sighs of relief when he hangs up; he definitely needs Kyungsoo to talk to, someone who would listen without judging him, without trying to talk him out of his relationship. 

In fact, Junmyeon isn't that surprised, Kyungsoo has always been the last person to judge, even if he always throws judging looks at everyone. He's always been the first person he goes to when he wants a honest, non biased opinion. He's actually always the first person he goes to, no matter what he wants, what he needs, just like Kyungsoo comes to Junmyeon when he needs advice, opinions on whatever decision he needs to make, comfort, and, most of the time, just a safe place to share his deepest feelings. Maybe it has something to do with the history between them, the love that lingers even today; a certain kind of love that never really went away. 

Junmyeon met Chanyeol first; they grew up together, from the lovely age of 4, always at each other’s houses and playing in each other’s backyards. They’ve always been like brothers, fought like brothers, made up like brothers, and above all, loved each other like real blood brothers. Just like Junmyeon and Jongin. Jongin was 2 years younger than his brother and Chanyeol, but they'd welcomed him in their circle so easily, just like thy did Taehyung. Taehyung came a bit later; they met him at summer camp when they were 10, and even though he was younger than them by a couple of years, they still developed a great friendship, the kind that goes beyond actual friendship. Another brother was then brought to the mix and together, they felt invincible. Taehyung didn't live close, didn't go to the same school, so every time they met him, it was during holidays, and they always made the most of it. Even as they all grew up, went to high school, met new friends and started having romantic interests, they still kept in touch, Chanyeol, Jongin and Junmyeon always including Taehyung into whatever they did, because he was, is their brother after all. 

They met Taehyung together, but Junmyeon was the first one to meet Kyungsoo. 

It was during the summer before their graduation, Junmyeon had been sent to some kind of camp to prepare for his entry to university, while Chanyeol had stayed home, because his parents weren't as wealthy as the Kims, and so they got separated that way. Two months of pure struggle at that time, if you asked them. They had never been separated before and just the thought of not being able to see each other for such a long period of time had them on the edge. They couldn't really reach each other that often and that's partly why Junmyeon never told Chanyeol about Kyungsoo in the first place. Never told him about how amazingly full of struggles, awkwardness, laughs, kisses and cuddles were those couple of months at the camp. Because yes, they'd got together, Junmyeon and Kyungsoo, kind of. They'd shared a room, a space to live and soon enough, migrated in just one bed, sharing a bit more, such as body warmth and many more things that involved being pressed against each other, naked. 

They'd never really ended things, because they'd never really gave it any label. And also because, even though the sparkle of unconditional love wasn't there, there was something else, something they couldn't describe at the time, something they still have trouble putting a name to.

Junmyeon remembers clearly when they'd realised the sparkle wasn't there, remembers how that didn't exactly hurt him, because he felt it too, the lack of everything a special someone would make him feel, but still, Kyungsoo wasn't just someone, never just someone. 

  
xXx 

  
It was night time at the camp, 5 weeks in and everything was going smoothly, for everyone, but especially for those two, curled up in bed, Kyungsoo’s head resting on Junmyeon’s shoulder while the older man’s arms were wrapped around the younger’s frame. They'd just made love, in the most sensual way, just like long time lovers would, even though they weren't long time lovers, not even lovers for that matter. 

“It’s funny,” Kyungsoo chuckled at one point, his hand going up to caress Junmyeon’s abs. 

“What is?” the older boy asked (because they were only just boys at that time). 

“You know, this,” Kyungsoo gestured between them with his index finger, the others still glued to Junmyeon’s hot skin, “us. How we still find ourselves here even though we both know that sparkle isn't there.” 

At that very moment, Junmyeon could've been hurt, could've pulled away and never talked to Kyungsoo again. But he didn't, because he knew too, he knew that what they had was definitely not that kind of love. He knew they had something special, because they always came back to each other, but that sparkle, it just… wasn't there, really. 

He smiled down at the younger boy, slipping his hand in Kyungsoo’s short hair. 

“Yeah, but… there's something else.” He replied, the smile on the other’s face telling him that he wasn't the only one who was thinking the way he did. 

Kyungsoo lifted himself up a bit and looked down at Junmyeon for a few seconds, like he was searching for something inside his eyes, the smile still playing on his lips. Slowly, he leaned down and pressed his mouth to his elder, offering him the softest kiss. Kyungsoo had always been soft with Junmyeon, and to this day, he’s still the only one – with Chanyeol – who gets to see the softest side of him. They pull away after a moment, breathing for air and chuckling, because they’ve always had the habit of kissing until they couldn't possibly breath anymore, one thing they both enjoyed and played around with, one thing they can't do anymore but really wish they could, because the fun of it never really died down, even after all those years. Just like their fondness for each other. 

“There's definitely something else.” Kyungsoo murmured against the other’s lips, before hiding his face in the crook of his partner’s neck, giggling quietly. 

Junmyeon joined him, his chuckle dancing with Kyungsoo’s giggle so naturally it made them both laugh even more. And as their laugh died down a bit, Junmyeon pressed his lips to Kyungsoo’s hair, ruffling it softly; a gesture of affection he still does today, whenever they're alone together. 

“Maybe we should leave all of this here,” he said, his fingers slowly scratching the younger boy’s scalp. 

Kyungsoo looked up at him, licking his lips in a not so confident way. 

“Not all of it, please?” he asked, his eyes full of hope and soft, so soft, “I don't wanna lose you. I mean… not all of you.” 

The confession had Junmyeon’s heart melt a bit, just before it grew even more to adapt to the presence of a new person there. A person he’d only known for a few weeks but still, had definitely earned their place in his heart, in his life. Because they'd shared so much in such a short period of time, opened up to each other like they'd never did before, to anyone else. Because they'd clicked so quickly and made their way into each other’s lives so easily. Because there was no doubt that they had a special connection, there is no doubt that they still do, probably forever will. 

Chanyeol doesn't need to know about that, he really doesn’t. 

(“I'd love to meet your friend, he's cute.”   
“And tall.”   
“You're cute, too.”   
“Yeah, but I'm not tall. That's why there's no sparkle, right? You can admit it.”   
“Junnie… you know me too well already, that's unfair.”) 

  
xXx 

  
“What's on your mind, Junmyeon-ah?” 

Junmyeon looks up from his plate of food on the table between him and Kyungsoo to meet his friend’s gaze. They've been there for just a few minutes and Kyungsoo already noticed, he always does. 

"I just…” he sighs, “Baekhyun went to Busan this morning and I…” 

“You're wondering what he’s doing there,” the younger man finishes for him, sipping on his cup of tea. 

“Yeah…” 

“You know that you have to ask him if you ever want to know, right?” 

“I know but,” Junmyeon grimaces, looking down at his food again, “I just don't know how to bring it up. I mean, the guy went through so much stuff when he was younger, that I definitely know. But I don't know if I want to discover more.” 

“Of course you do,” Kyungsoo nonchalantly replies, as he opens his mouth widely enough to slurp his noodles. 

Junmyeon grimaces again, his gaze traveling from his food on the table to his right side, watching the people of Seoul come and go. They're sitting on a terrace at a fancy restaurant, fancy because Kyungsoo had insisted, and also because the man knew the owner and could get the best dishes for the lowest prices. It's sunny outside, warm and definitely a great day to spend with friends or family. It could've been a great day to spend with Baekhyun at the park. They always go to the park on week-ends. 

“To be honest,” Kyungsoo started again after swallowing his bite, “this is something we’re all curious about. We don't know anything about the guy. You probably do but, us?” he shakes his head. 

“What do you mean?” Junmyeon asks, frowning slightly. 

“He never talks to us. He's always in his own little world, shies away from everything, everyone.” The younger man explains, leaning away from the table just a bit. 

“But that's the way he is, you know that.” The older man defends his lover, trying to wrap his head around the fact that maybe, Kyungsoo is just like the others, when it comes to Baekhyun. 

“I do, and I understand,” Kyungsoo says, his eyes showing reassurance Junmyeon’s way, “maybe it's because I trust your judgment more than any other, or maybe I just don't really mind, because we all have secrets, we’ve all led lives before we met. Except from you and Chanyeol obviously, but still, we are all allowed to deal with whatever crap we went through, in our own way.” 

Junmyeon bites his lip – a habit he's gotten from Baekhyun – and his features soften as he listens to his friend. 

“But the others, they don't see it that way,” Kyungsoo continues, “they just worry about you, you know. Jongin and Chanyeol are a lot alike when it comes to things like these, they want to protect the people around them, and they worry about everything.” 

“I get that, I do,” Junmyeon replies, sighing, “but what do they want to protect me from? Baekhyun? You've seen the boy, how could he ever hurt me?” 

Kyungsoo smiles sadly, “He’s already doing it, Junnie.” 

"What? Kyungsoo what are you on about? Baek—“ the older man fidgets.

“Junmyeon!” Kyungsoo interrupts him, raising his voice a little for the man to listen, “you're not happy because he's not. You're hurting because he is. Now try to deny it, go on.” 

Junmyeon’s mouth opens, but it's no use, because no sound comes out of it. And so he closes it and opens it again, because he'd really like to deny what his friend is saying, but he just can’t, he can't and won't, because even if he tried to lie his way out of this, there's no way Kyungsoo would buy any of it; after all these years, the younger man reads into him like an open book, and sometimes, just sometimes, Junmyeon hates it. 

“That's what I thought.” Kyungsoo mutters, just as his eyes soften, and his hand creeps over the table to meet Junmyeon’s and squeeze tightly, “you have to find a way to ask him about it, Junnie. Maybe you could help him find happiness, maybe you could help him set fire to yesterday and follow tomorrow's light.” He squeezes again, “You can't keep up like this. You're tired, dealing with him. Dealing with his outbursts, his fears and his secrets. It's tiring you, and that's why we’re all worried about you. Chanyeol, Jongin, Taehyung, Yixing and even myself, we’re constantly worried about how hard it is for you to deal with such a broken boy like Baekhyun.” 

“I can't abandon him, Kyungsoo, I can't…” Junmyeon murmurs, as he feels Kyungsoo intertwine their fingers together. 

“We're not—I'm not asking you to. I just want you to stop treating him like a child and ask him about his past, about Busan, and about… that boy he always dreams about,” the younger man says, “aren't you just a little bit curious about who that could be?” 

Kyungsoo is the only person he’s talked about Jongdae to. It had slipped one night as they were all having dinner at Junmyeon. Jongin, Chanyeol and Taehyung had plopped on the couch as per usual, leaving all the mess in the kitchen for Kyungsoo and Junmyeon to clean, and as conversation escalated to Baekhyun, Junmyeon told him, just like that, because he trusted the man with all his being and needed to get it out of his chest or he probably would've exploded.

Junmyeon closes his eyes, “I don't wanna know…” 

“You do. You're just too afraid of what you might find out.” 

Junmyeon doesn't respond. He just looks away, tears at the corners of his eyes trying to escape and roll down his cheeks, but he catches them, keeps them in and swallows them, his throat as tight as ever. Kyungsoo is right, about everything he’s saying; Junmyeon wants to know, Junmyeon wants to help. But Junmyeon isn't sure he’s going to like what he finds out, Junmyeon isn't sure he's going to be able to handle whatever truth he's looking for. 

They don't speak much after that, just try to finish their plates and argue over who's gonna pay this time. They are silent, until they reach the parking lot and before Junmyeon can walk to his own can, Kyungsoo grabs him by the arm and turns him around, until they're facing each other. 

“Junnie…” 

“Yes?” 

“Is… is the sparkle there, with Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo asks quietly, just loud enough so his friend can hear. 

Junmyeon stays silent for a few seconds and smiles, his face softening, the words bringing back wonderful memories. 

“Yes… yes it is.” He responds, without any hesitation. 

“Then fight for him. Fight for his happiness, your happiness.” 

Junmyeon doesn't have the time to think of anything to reply, because Kyungsoo is already wrapping an arm around his waist while the other comes up to cover the older man’s nose and mouth. He buries his face in Junmyeon’s neck and squeezes, hard all over. Junmyeon is quick to catch up, he wraps his arms around Kyungsoo, too and closes his eyes, as his system gets deprived of air, leaving him breathless and high, incredibly high. 

It doesn't take long for the both of them to gasp for air, and Kyungsoo quickly pulls his hand away from Junmyeon’s mouth, allowing the man to breathe in, just as he shifts his face to do the same. And when finally, they're breathing normally again, giggles start erupting out of Kyungsoo’s mouth, making Junmyeon feel all warm inside. He follows, and they laugh together, still hugging tightly, like they always do when they need to feel close to each other. 

It's just their substitute for the breathtaking kisses they used to share, years ago. 

And after that, Junmyeon’s feelings are all over the place. When he gets into his car, the first thought that comes through his mind is how much he loves Baekhyun, how much he loves him and how much he wants to help him overcome whatever is left of his past. And because his heart is about to burst, he doesn't think when he lets his fingers dial his lover’s number, not even bothering to search in his contact list. 

“Hyung?” Baekhyun’s voice comes then after a couple of rings, filling his earns with warmth. 

“Hey baby,” he breathes, “are you there yet?” 

“No, not yet,” the boy replies through the phone, “b-but soon.” 

“Okay, I just wanted to hear your voice.” Junmyeon admits, “Is everything going fine?” He asks carefully, just like he always does. 

“Yes,” Baekhyun answers knowingly, the older man can hear a smile in his tone. 

There's a pause and Junmyeon can't help but smile himself. He loves his boy so much; loves the fact that Baekhyun is starting to know him by now, starting to get used to the little things – enough to pick up on them.

“Call me when you arrive. Be careful, yeah?” He says, trying to hide the worry in his voice. 

“I will. Th-thank you, Hyung.” Baekhyun responds, just before he adds as an afterthought, “I'll miss you.” 

Junmyeon’s heart stops for a second, his cheeks reddening a bit. He's not the kind of person who blushes, but more one to make people blush. But with Baekhyun, it's different, because sometimes the boy does things to him nobody ever succeeded in doing, pulls reactions from him no one before him could ever pull. 

Junmyeon thinks that maybe, this is part of the sparkle. 

“Me too, little one, me too.” He says, using words his Baekhyun had asked him to, words he seemed to relax around every time they were pronounced. And his heart is finally feeling a little lighter in his chest, when he hears a little sigh of something akin to relief come out from the other end of the line. 

  
Junmyeon doesn't do much after that. He stays there, in his car for a while; Kyungsoo’s already long gone, probably back to Chanyeol. They look like such a happy couple, and he knows they are, if Chanyeol’s constant bright smile and Kyungsoo’s sparkling eyes are anything to go by. He's happy for them, he really is. He's happy his very best friend got to find such an amazing man, happy to see him like that, all hyper and in love. He's happy for Kyungsoo, because the man deserves the best partner he can get, and while Junmyeon doesn't know about the lover’s side of things, he's pretty sure Chanyeol is one of the best men on earth. 

Junmyeon’s happy for all his friends, really. Yixing and Choa, he's always thought they made the perfect couple, because they just fit. He’s always thought they were made for each other, just like everyone else around them (minus Chanyeol, of course). And now they're married, following into the path of Jongin and his wife, Hyejeong—high-school sweethearts, those two. They'd been through thick and thin together, having to see each other behind their parents’ back—because Hyejeong parents never accepted the fact that she’d decided to get involved with a man that wasn't the one they'd chosen for her, and Jongin and Junmyeon’s parents being too proud to accept the fact that their kid was looked down upon by his girlfriend’s family— having to overcome the hurt and struggle of life without any support from their respective families and finally, choosing to marry each other, because at the end of the day, they only ever got one another… and a little baby boy on the way. Junmyeon was the only one there for them, the only family member, just like Jongin is the only family member there for Junmyeon, because being gay wasn't something their parents had fully accepted from their oldest son, either. 

There's Taehyung, too. Taehyung and his girlfriend that Junmyeon had completely approved of when he came back from Busan a little over a year ago. She's funny and extremely smart, but also incredibly beautiful. Seolhyun had proved to be a lovely soul over the months and Junmyeon really wishes they keep going that way, because Taehyung deserves happiness, and he deserves to build a family, just like he's always dreamt about; a good marriage and lovely kids, like he’d cutely put it to Junmyeon, every time he talked to him about it. 

He wonders when Chanyeol and Kyungsoo will finally officialise things, too. They'd been dating for way too long, and Junmyeon hasn't had enough of weddings yet, these days. Of course they can't get legally married in South Korea, but who cares, as long as they exchange rings and vows, it's all that really matters. 

The married life has always been something he wanted, too. Even when he figured out that he preferred boys; he’s always wanted to marry, have a husband he could spoil and be as domestic as he could with. Kids were another story. He'd never really thought of having them, always thought about spending his life taking care of his beloved until they were both old and grey. All his closest friends seem to have found their one and only, and he's happy for them, he really is, but he wants it too, and with Baekhyun, he knows he can finally reach it, almost taste it on the tip of his tongue… but then again, he knows there’s still a mountain to climb for him to finally reach that high, and it's definitely not the easiest one. 

Determined, he turns the key in and starts the car, heading to a building he knows way too well.

And so he drives and drives until he finally reaches his destination. Gets out of the car and enters the building he’d came to so many times with Baekhyun. It's too cold outside, too white, he'd never really liked it. But Baekhyun needs to come here and Junmyeon wants to be there; so he joins, every time, leaves him in front of Dr. Kim’s office and waits outside in the waiting room, because as much as he’d love to come in, it's not his place to be, and he knows it. He’d only really met Dr. Kim Minseok twice; once was the first time Junmyeon brought Baekhyun there, the boy had introduced him, stumbling over his words until Junmyeon had taken his hand, squeezing lightly and telling Minseok that he was a friend. After that, there were just quick smiles and nods of acknowledgment every time Minseok welcomed Baekhyun into his office. One day though, after the meeting was over and the boy had excused himself to use the bathroom, Junmyeon had tried to talk to the psychologist about what was going on with Baekhyun. Minseok had told him that he couldn't give him any information and that he should wait for Baekhyun to talk when he’d be ready. That frustrated Junmyeon so much, but he didn't say anything, only pulled his head down and waited for his boy. He could feel Minseok watching him, but he didn't really care; he’d wait for the boy, he would. 

But that was months ago, and Junmyeon still had no answers to his questions, and he just couldn't let it go. And so he finds himself in front of Dr. Kim’s office, throat dry and tight. 

“Excuse me, do you have an appointment?” the pretty secretary asks him. 

He looks up at her and shakes his head, “No, but I really need to see Dr. Kim.” 

“I'm sorry sir, I'm afraid it won't be—“ 

“Junmyeon-ssi?” A voice interrupts the secretary, making Junmyeon look back at the door in front of him. 

It’s open, and Minseok is right there, standing before him. He grimaces, all his words caught in his throat and shifts his weight from one foot to another, one of his own nervous habit taking all the power over him, as his bottom lip finds shelter between his teeth. 

“It’s okay, Sun, I'll take him for a few minutes.” Minseok says as he opens the door of his office wider, gesturing for Junmyeon to come in, “Come on in.” 

Junmyeon does as he's told and enters the room, leaving the other man at the door. The doctor closes it and turns around to face him, concern in his eyes. 

“What are you doing here, Junmyeon-ssi? I thought my next session with Baekhyun was next Tuesday?” he asks, slowly. 

“Yes, it is. I just…” Junmyeon sighs, “he went to Busan again.” 

“Okay?” Minseok raises an eyebrow as he makes his way to his chair behind his desk. “You can take a seat if you want.” 

Junmyeon sits down in the chair next to him and licks his lips, before he tries and gathers all the courage he has left.

“Does he talk to you about why he goes to Busan?” he asks. 

Minseok sighs and closes his eyes for a second before opening them again and leaning over the desk, resting his elbows on the hard wood. 

“Junmyeon-ssi, I've already told you I can't tell you anything that happens in here.” The doctor reminds the other man. 

Junmyeon rolls his eyes and looks up to the ceiling, exasperated. There's a reason why he's here, there's a reason why he finally decided to go to Minseok once again, and he’s determined to get what he wants from the doctor, no matter what it takes. 

“He probably talked to you about me though, told you we’re a bit more than friends.” He says, eyes locking with the other man’s again.

“He didn't have to tell me anything for me to know, Junmyeon-ssi…” Minseok replies, a little smile on his lips. 

“Of course…” Junmyeon breathes out, “please Dr. Kim, I just need to know how I can help him get better.” 

And that's really the only thing he wants; make Baekhyun feel better, making him feel safe and loved and taken care of. For a year they've been together, for a year he'd stayed back and watched, but today he wants to help, today he needs to help.

“Talk to him.” The doctor simply says. 

"God, you know what happens when I try to talk to him about it, I've told you!” he throws back, exasperated. 

He did tell him, when he first asked him about Baekhyun, when Minseok told him that he couldn't tell him anything about the boy. Junmyeon had said that his lover always shut him off, changed the subject or just ignored him, never wanted to talk about anything that was related to Busan. Junmyeon had tried, once or twice at the very beginning of their relationship, but it always ended up in Baekhyun running away from him, so he’d just let it go, waiting for the boy to come to him, just how Minseok had suggested he does. 

“I'm his psychologist, I don't have the right to betray his trust.” The doctor says, trying to reason with the other man. 

“Please, can't you just drop the act and—“ 

“This is not an act Junmyeon-ssi, I have a responsibility and you know that.” Minseok interrupts him, as patient as ever.

“God, I know but… can't I ask you for advice or something? Can't we just talk like friends do?” Junmyeon again, desperately so. 

“We’re not friends.” 

“Let me take you out for coffee then! As… friends to be?”

Minseok arches an eyebrow and exhales deeply, trying to keep his cool.

“Junmyeon-ssi…, what you're asking me to do is against the law, and anything I believe in.” 

“I'm not asking you to do anything. I’d just… I’d just like a good friend to talk to.” 

“We’re not—“ 

“Dinner?” 

Minseok closes his eyes in frustration and flops back on his seat. Junmyeon watches him carefully; he knows he's out of line, knows he shouldn't press that much but he really doesn't have a choice anymore. 

“If I agree to this,” the doctor starts, opening his eyes to look at the other man, “promise me you won't try to get informations about Baekhyun.”

Junmyeon stays silent for a minute. He doesn't really understand what Minseok wants them to talk about if it's not about Baekhyun, but he goes with it anyway, because the closer he'll be to the man, the closer he’ll get to the information he really needs. 

“Okay.” He replies, feebly.

And so, about three hours later, it's in a restaurant that they speak again. Not as fancy as the one Junmyeon had eaten lunch with Kyungsoo, but comfortable enough for friends to meet and share a meal together. Junmyeon doesn't really know how to bring Baekhyun’s past up, doesn't really know if he'll get to it – he made a promise after all – but he drops hints anyway, because the only person that can really help him with this is seating in front of him right now. 

“Are you in a relationship yourself?” he asks after some time, when they've already given minimum information about themselves. 

“Yes,” Minseok replies easily, “have been for a while, now.” 

“Married?” Junmyeon raises a curious eyebrow.

“No, still not legal here,” the doctor states with a soft smile which quickly turns amused at the other man’s surprised face, “would've gone to China, since he's Chinese, but it isn't legal there either.” He finishes with a chuckle that Junmyeon hears as bitter.

“You can still buy rings, though,” Junmyeon says, pointing at the lack of band on the other man’s finger, “have a little ceremony, exchange vows. Doesn't have to be stated by a piece of paper…” he sighs, looking down at his food on the table, “I've talked my friends into doing it, too. And it has its perks,” he looks back up with an amused smile, “if you ever decide to get a divorce, you won't be drowning in paperwork.” 

Minseok laughs at that, throwing his head back like it’s the best joke he's heard all week. He's cute, Junmyeon thinks, I hope he gets to be happy as a married man.

“I like your way of thinking, Junmyeon-ssi,” the doctor says, shaking his head a bit, “I might just talk to Han about this.” 

Junmyeon smiles back, “I mean, think about it. You probably have friends who are married now, and building families. I know I do,” his smile then turns fond, “my own younger brother got married a year ago. I wish for the same, to be honest.” 

“You do?” Minseok raised an interested eyebrow. 

“Yeah, of course.” Junmyeon says, looking up at the other man, “I've always wanted to get married with the person who’d make me feel whole.”

“Why is it so important to you, Junmyeon-ssi?” The doctor asks, raising his glass of water to his lips.

“Probably for the same reason it's important to you.” Minseok lifts an eyebrow in slight surprise. Junmyeon smiles, amused, “Oh come on,” he continues, “you've just said you'd even move to China if it meant living as a married man.” 

“I've never said that much,” the doctor tries to defend himself, scrunching up his nose. 

“Didn't have to,” Junmyeon says as he leans a bit over the table, “see, from a very young age, my mum told me stories about how I should grow up to be a good, strong and healthy man so that I can build a good family, so that I can take care of my wife and kids. She often told me and my younger brother that the best thing we could ever do in life was to build a home to ourselves, and bring safety to our loved ones.” 

“Isn't she pressuring you to get married?” Minseok asks, genuinely curious. 

Junmyeon sighs, “She doesn't care anymore,” he looks away, “not since I've came out to her.”

The doctor nods his head in understanding, eyes sympathetic. Junmyeon didn't ask Minseok to share a meal with him to tell him about his life story, but the man has this aura that makes you feel safe and engages your trust. It's crazy how easy it is for Junmyeon to just lay everything out, he wonders if Baekhyun feels the same towards Minseok, if he tells him that much. He probably does, Junmyeon thinks. 

“Do you still talk to her?” Minseok questions, carefully. 

"I still visit my parents,” Junmyeon replies, “we just don't talk about it.” 

“How about your brother?” 

“What about him?” 

Minseok puts down his chopsticks and drink a bit of his water. Junmyeon doesn't really get why the man finds any interest in his life problems but oh well, he's a psychologist after all, must be second nature. 

“Are you close with him?” The doctor clarifies.

“Yes, very.” Junmyeon replies without missing a beat. “He's kind of a best friend to me. He's part of my group of friends, we’ve only got a couple of years difference so we kind of discovered most of the world together.” 

“How does he feel about you and… Baekhyun?” 

Junmyeon hears a bit of hesitance in the other man’s voice; maybe it's because he was the one that said they shouldn't bring Baekhyun up in their conversation and here he is, doing the exact opposite. But that's just an innocent question, he thinks Minseok told himself before asking it, nothing of importance will come out of it.

“He doesn't care about me liking boys,” Junmyeon replies, honestly, “but me liking Baekhyun is a different story.” 

“Oh?” Minseok tilts his head in surprise. 

Junmyeon sighs again; acknowledging this is still hard to him.

“Practically all my friends aren't really okay with my relationship with Baekhyun. They think he's…” he hesitates, looking down at his hands, “they think our relationship is not healthy.” 

"Is that so?” Minseok frowns a bit. 

“Because I have to take care of him in so many ways,” Junmyeon continues, still not looking up at the other man’s words, “I have to be careful of so many things when I'm around him. There are stuff that set him off and he just breaks down. There are other stuff that scare him so much I have to let him run away. And…” he breathes in, slowly, looking up at the doctor sitting opposite him, “God, you probably already know all of this. My friends think he tires me both physically and mentally.”

He sees Minseok close his eyes for a split second, his mouth opening to say something but closing after a couple of seconds, his words probably caught in his throat. 

“I'm not saying it's not, but what am I supposed to do? Abandon him? I can't,” Junmyeon shakes his head, “I… I love the boy too much to break things off with him.” He continues, trying to ignore his watering eyes as much as he could, “He's made so much progress this past year. He reads now, and his stutter is not as present as before. I can't just leave him because he's broken…” 

Silence settles between them. Junmyeon swallows the few tears left and plops back on his chair, a weird feeling taking over him. He doesn't really know if he should continue, because after all, doctor Kim isn't someone he actually knows. But then again, he's the only person who can help him with Baekhyun, the only person who can at least hint the problem at him, if not the solution. 

Minseok mirrors the man before him and sighs. He looks conflicted and Junmyeon wonders if a psychologist should even show any emotion; but then again, this isn't a therapy session, alright. 

“I've known Baekhyun for a long time, now,” Minseok says, “I met him at a café. I immediately noticed something was up with him but… I've never noticed his illiteracy.” 

“How could you not?” Junmyeon lets skip, a bit more bitterly than he intended to. 

The doctor sighs again, grimacing, “He’s a smart kid, you know. Very clever.” 

Junmyeon nods because it's true. How could someone without any proper education move to such a big city like Seoul and find a place to live and a job so easily (or so he thinks)? Baekhyun’s a very resourceful person. Junmyeon’s proud, because he likes to think that Baekhyun’s his, now. 

“You noticed within the first few weeks, he told me,” Minseok continues, “and he's thankful for it, you know. Even if it was hard for him to admit it at first, he's very thankful for you finding out.” 

Junmyeon's heart misses a beat and he smiles, because that's all he ever wants to hear; Baekhyun being thankful, Baekhyun being happy someone finally freed him from his lack of knowledge. Minseok chuckles in front of him and rubs his forehead with his thumb and index finger. 

"What?" Junmyeon asks when he notices the man didn't look back up at him. 

“I just…,” the doctor lifts his head up, “you promised me we weren't going to talk about Baekhyun.” 

Junmyeon lifts an eyebrow, “I'm sorry Minseok-ssi, but you're the one who brought him up in the conversation.” 

“I know, but—“ Minseok tries.

“You can't just back down now, Minseok-ssi. You've said it yourself, Baekhyun is thankful, he's relived. Maybe I can make him feel even better if you tell me his story.” 

There's a pause and Junmyeon doesn't know what it means, but when Minseok shakes his head at him and mumbles a quiet “sorry I can't”, he loses it. 

"For God's sake Minseok!” he snaps, dropping the honorific, “I love Baekhyun, okay? I love the boy so much it hurts, and I would wait for him to talk to me, I would. But I can't just stand by and watch him suffer like that. I know very well he's been through stuff. God only knows what really happened to him. Hell, he thinks giving head to his father is actually alright!” 

Minseok's eyes widen at the last words, “He… he told you that?” 

“Yeah, he told me that,” Junmyeon repeats, bitterly, “he told me things that are making me sick to my stomach and I can't possibly do a thing about it because I don't know the full story. How do you think I feel, doctor?” 

Even in his breakout, Junmyeon doesn't miss how Minseok’s expression changes into something less controlled and a bit more open to anyone who's willing to read. It's funny, because Junmyeon is sure that a psychologist is trained to hide whatever he feels behind a stoic face, but then again, it isn't a session. 

The doctor leans over the table and asks quietly, “What did he tell you, exactly?” 

In any other circumstances, Junmyeon would've snapped again, telling the man to fuck off if he thought he was going to tell him anything about it. But it isn't another circumstance and he needs Minseok to listen, because he needs him to finally trust him enough to spill whatever’s wrong with the boy.

“He…” Junmyeon’s cheeks start blushing a bit, because that's not something you usually tell, much less to a complete stranger, “God, that's embarrassing.” 

“He asked you if he could give you head, right?” Minseok asks, quietly again. 

“How—“ Junmyeon looks at the man, confusion written all over his face, until it clicks and he closes his mouth again, his heart sinking hard, “no. No, no, no. What's wrong with this boy?” 

“I think we should get out of here and talk somewhere more private,” the doctor suggests, already reaching for his wallet to pay for the food. 

Junmyeon can only nod at this, the shock still very much present, and his thoughts going back to when Baekhyun first fell down on his knees in front of him. His heart tightens to the point of hurting him, what is wrong with my boy? He doesn't even remember getting out of the restaurant and back into his car, Minseok climbing on the passenger seat while he himself sits on the driver’s one. He doesn't know if he’ll be able to drive after this, probably not, but Minseok doesn't put his seatbelt on and turns to him, so maybe he thinks that this is the private place the other man was talking about. 

“What did Baekhyun actually tell you?” Minseok asks, eyebrows knitted together. 

“He didn't tell me per say, he just—“ Junmyeon sighs, “when he asked me to… you know, the first time, I said no and he just broke down, telling me that he just wanted people to know how good he can be.” 

The doctor exhales deeply and closes his eyes; he seems to do this a lot, when it comes to Baekhyun. 

“And then he told me that Jongdae does it to his father,” Junmyeon continues, scrunching up his nose, “he'd been dreaming about this Jongdae for months, calling for him in his dreams, constantly repeating his name in his sleep and when he comes back from Busan…” he looks away, his heart tightening, “I don't know who he is and it's killing me.”

Minseok’s eyes soften at the words, he looks back at Junmyeon and sighs. Though, he stays completely silent, which makes the other a bit frustrated. 

“Did he talk to you about that person?” Junmyeon asks, eyes pleading.

Silence envelops the car once more and Junmyeon can't take it. He can't because he wants to know, he needs to know, badly. And Minseok seems to be the only one who can give him some sort of clue, but right now, the man next to him is playing mum and that's another thing that is killing him, eating at him full force.

“He did, right?” he states, looking straight before him.

“Junmyeon-ssi…” Minseok whispers. 

There's something in the way the doctor says his name, something that makes him wonder once again if he really wants to know about Baekhyun, if he really wants to know about Jongdae. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply, leaving room for silence to take over them once more, because Minseok isn't about to continue and Junmyeon isn't sure if he wants him to. 

Seconds pass, minutes pass and still nothing. They stay there, mute and unsure. If Junmyeon wasn't so conflicted about his own feelings, he would've wanted to know what's on Minseok’s mind at the moment, why the man looks as confused and unsure as he is. He would've wanted to reach out and tell him that it's okay, he doesn't need to tell him. But that would be a lie, because Junmyeon wants to know, whatever voice in his head tells him that he doesn't, he surely does. Because there isn't a second that he doesn't think about Baekhyun, there isn't a second that he doesn't worry about him. 

“Jongdae… he’s…” Minseok starts after a great while, his voice filled with hesitation.

“They're lovers, right?” Junmyeon interrupts, something in his guts telling him that this is why Minseok’s hesitating so much.

The doctor bites the inside of his cheek while Junmyeon turns to him, hurt written all over his pale face.

“They're…. romantically attached to each other, that's for sure, but,” Minseok sighs, “it goes beyond, it…” 

So much hesitation for someone who’s paid to make you feel better, make you feel certain about whatever you're going through in life. Junmyeon bites his lip to prevent himself from saying as much out loud. 

“Beyond?” he repeats instead.

Minseok turns around to look at the sky through the window; it's sunny outside, way too bright for what he’s about to say. He looks back at Junmyeon for a split second before letting his eyes settle on the dashboard. 

“They've experienced so much abuse through the years together,” he starts, tone hard and serious, “psychological harassment, physical abuse,… sexual abuse.” 

“Se..xual, abuse?” Junmyeon repeats in a hesitant voice, feeling his heart breaking in a million pieces, “he—he told me Jongdae never let those things happen.”

“It did happen,” the doctor rectifies, “and every time Jongdae miraculously kept Baekhyun away from it, it doesn't mean he wasn't forced to watch.” 

Junmyeon swallows, he places a hand over his heart and closes his eyes, letting the tears fall and run down his cheeks to die on his shirt. Die, just like a part of his heart, just like a part of himself.

“How can Baekhyun be so eager in bed with me sometimes, if he got sexually abused?”

“Everyone is different, Junmyeon-ssi. Not everyone reacts the same. Some people do have a hard time with intimate relationships, but others… others, they just need it. It's a coping process, they need to be with someone they know will enjoy their company, someone they will please, so that they can forget the times being intimate actually hurt.” Minseok explains, carefully.

“Are you saying Baekhyun is only looking for someone to wash the bad memory off of him?” 

“Baekhyun is not one of those people. Baekhyun is… complicated…” 

“What do you mean?” Junmyeon’s eyebrows knit together. He’s heard it so many times, from his very own friends, Baekhyun’s too complicated for you. He never thought so, never wants to even consider it. 

“Didn't you notice how young he looks for his age? How pale and fragile, soft and naïve he is?” Minseok asks then, “his father, he…” the doctor trails off and inhales deeply, Junmyeon brasses himself for something bad. “He used to baby him a lot, put all sorts of cream over him and keep him away from anything that might get his mind to develop to the outside world. His father wanted for Baekhyun to stay a child, so he could use him as he pleases.” 

Junmyeon swallows hard. He lets his hand grab the fabric of his shirt and creates fists all around it. There is really nothing he can do, but hearing this has him almost beating himself up for not picking up on Baekhyun’s past before. But then again, how could he know? 

“How do you know all of this?” He asks, numbly, knuckles white from the pressure on his shirt.

“I gathered information from all the things he’s told me during our sessions,” Minseok replies, “I've been seeing him for a very long time, you know. We didn't come to this conclusion overnight.” 

Junmyeon looks up at the man again, “We?” 

“My boyfriend, Han.” The psychologist says, but quickly adds, when seeing the other man’s confused face, “He’s a psychiatrist. We often work together.”

Junmyeon presses his lips in a thin line, as he tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

“Baekhyun, he,… he doesn't know right from wrong. When he offers himself, he doesn't understand why some people might get freaked out and think he’s crazy, and he doesn't comprehend that others might take advantage of him.” The psychologist continues, frowning a bit, as if he's not sure if he should actually tell Junmyeon all of this, or not. Junmyeon isn't sure what to feel anymore, isn't sure what to do. Here are his answers, being laid in front of him, but he has no idea what to make of them.

“How old is Jongdae?” He asks, weakly. 

“I don't exactly know, but I think he's about the same age as Baekhyun.” 

“Where is he, now?” 

“He’s…” Minseok runs a hand through his hair and pulls a bit, Junmyeon notices then, just how hard it is for him, too. “He's still in Busan, with Baekhyun’s father.” 

Junmyeon’s eyes widen, his heart incredibly tight, trapped in his rib cage, “What? What do you mean with Baekhyun’s father?”

“He's still there.” Minseok simply says. 

The psychologist doesn't show any emotion while saying this, and Junmyeon doesn't understand. Why isn't this man rotting in a prison cell? Junmyeon cannot begin to imagine what Baekhyun has gone through with this monster, he doesn't even want to think about what Jongdae is still going through and… something twists in his guts when it clicks, whom Baekhyun goes to see when he’s in Busan, and his blood boils. Baekhyun’s in danger, Baekhyun’s in danger.

“Why? Why isn't this guy locked up already? What the fuck is this boy still doing there with him?” Junmyeon bursts out, furious. 

"We're working on it, Junmyeon-ssi, I promise we are.” Minseok tries to reassure the other man, but he still doesn't show any expression and Junmyeon doesn't get it, how something this terrible just doesn't seem to affect the man.

“What does that even mean, you're working on it? Call the police, do something!” 

Junmyeon’s heart is hammering against his chest, so much so that it hurts, and his mind goes blank, because emotion is something he doesn't seem to be able to feel right at this very moment.

“Who do you think I am, Junmyeon-ssi? Of course I called the police,” Minseok sighs, his gaze fixated on an invisible dot in front of him, “I called and told them everything I knew but…” 

“But what?” Junmyeon spats, before he can control himself. 

“They looked into it but they have no proof.” 

“Are you kidding me? You have Baekhyun, and you have Jongdae, isn't that proof enough?!” 

Minseok turns his head towards him, and when he does, Junmyeon’s anger that's boiling into him settles a little, and he breathes in, because there’s just something about Minseok, something about the way the man looks at him, so much so that as soon as their eyes meet, Junmyeon shuts up immediately, just like a good trained puppy. 

“See? That's exactly why I didn't want to let you know about this.” 

Junmyeon glances down at his hands, he’s not sure if he feels angry, or just sad at this point. 

“You said it was because you wanted Baekhyun to tell me…” he argues, in a mumble. 

“About his past, yes,” Minseok clarifies, “but there's so much more Junmyeon-ssi, and God please throw me into the very pit of fire if I am not doing everything I can to get Jongdae away from that monster.” 

Junmyeon can hear it, that little thing that’s taking the doctor’s voice hostage; that determination mixed with worry and even a bit of anger. His heart is still hammering hard against his chest and he's still very much upset about everything that he just learnt, but he can only nod, because there's not much else he can do. 

They stay in silence again, for a while this time. Minseok is looking at something out of the window; Junmyeon isn't sure, but he can guess that the guy is upset and doesn't want to show it, so he busies himself with an invisible point, somewhere. Junmyeon does the same, he turns his head towards his own window and stares, at nothing in particular, just because that's the only thing he can do right now; stay silent and wait for the next bombshell to fall over his head and break him a little more. His mind wonders to Baekhyun soon enough, and he bites his lip to prevent himself from yelling at Minseok again, because his baby just went to the very place he should never be, his baby just put himself in danger and he doesn't understand why, really, he doesn't get how Baekhyun can actually return to such a place, after all he’s been through there. His vision becomes blurry when he thinks about that other boy and the fact that he’s the reason Baekhyun is willing to put himself in danger, every time he steps foot in Busan. 

“Have you ever seen Jongdae?” Junmyeon asks, his voice careful and so low. It's filled with something he himself cannot describe and definitely doesn't get. 

“Once,” the doctor replies. 

The man keeps looking out the window; it's getting late and the sun is starting to fall asleep. It dies away to live again tomorrow, and Junmyeon watches the beautiful display with a bitter taste in his mouth. He wonders where Baekhyun will spend the night; if he's booked a motel or if he'll be curled up with Jongdae somewhere. It hurts, thinking about the boy he loves finding shelter in someone else's arms, it hurts thinking about how said boy probably doesn't love him the way Junmyeon does, doesn't think of him the way Junmyeon does, doesn't imagine them getting married, having a place to themselves, growing old together… there's so much doubt in him, so much questions that are adding up to the ones already in place in his head. Kyungsoo’s words come back to him, almost begging him to treat Baekhyun like the adult he is, but right now, right now Junmyeon isn't sure, he's not sure Baekhyun can handle being treated as such. 

“It’s a picture, though. Han took it, but he didn't get to talk to him. Jongdae isn't allowed to leave the house much, and Han didn't have a good enough reason to approach the place. So he just watched from afar, studied the boy’s behaviour towards Baekhyun and tried to gather informations about him that way.” Minseok finishes, tone far away. 

“Baekhyun let someone go with him?” Junmyeon asks, surprised. 

“No,” the psychologist replies, as he turns his head to face the other man, a sad smile on his lips, “my boyfriend followed him, one day. I didn't know about that, he didn't tell me.” 

Minseok takes his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it. Junmyeon notices that the lock screen and the wallpaper are the same picture; it's him and another man, which Junmyeon assumes is the boyfriend, smiling brightly at the camera like cute kids on a Wednesday. They look happy, he wishes he can look this happy one day. 

“Here,” Minseok shows his phone screen to him, and Junmyeon’s eyes almost immediately land on a face he’d recognise even over a crowd of thousands. 

He takes the phone with shaky hands and frowns a bit when he notices his boy’s fingers intertwined with someone else’s. His eyes travel up again and he sees him, finally sees him; Jongdae. The picture is taken from afar but he can see clearly enough, and finally he can put a face on the name he's been hearing for months. The boy is handsome, that much, he can tell. He looks so young, just like his boy does, but his features are a bit sharper; where Baekhyun’s face looks like he’s still trying to transform into the man he ought to be, Jongdae’s seems to be there already, but even with that, there's something about him, something about his smile, about his eyes, that screams innocence. Junmyeon’s heart does this weird thing where it drops but swells at the same time, when he notices the smile on Baekhyun’s lips; it's reaching his eyes and he looks happy, so happy. They're standing in front of a fence and they look so cute and adorable together, and while Junmyeon cannot clearly see Baekhyun’s face, because it's turned towards the other boy, he notices the sparkle of love in Jongdae’s eyes, the sparkle he knows is there and he doesn't know if he can compete with it.

There's so many emotions running through him. So many more things he wants to ask, but his throat is tight and his heart is clenched and he doesn't think he can take any more information in. He licks his lips, buries his worries and incomprehension deep inside his soul, and closes his eyes, because he needs to swallow everything up before trying to search for more. He feels a warm hand on his knee and that's enough to make him forget where he is, make him forget who he's sitting with. Tears fall, fall and fall again, he does not seem to be able to stop them. He's not sure what's initiating it, knowing that Baekhyun has lived in hell for most of his life, acknowledging the fact that the boy probably doesn't feel the same way as Junmyeon feels about him, thinking about Jongdae still living under such a sick bastard’s roof or witnessing the love that the two boys swim into, pulling each other up to the surface when one of them drowns away. 

Minseok’s hand on his knee is light, it doesn't squeeze, doesn't pat, and Junmyeon is okay with that. It's just a reassurance, something there, to remind him that he's not alone right now, not alone in this. He feels dizzy, wants to throw up, but he knows that even if he tries, nothing will come out and he'll just strain himself, trying to regurgitate a feeling, a sensation, a broken mix. He dares to look up at Minseok and he sees them, those glossy eyes the psychologist tries to hide. The man’s hand is still on his knee and he's thankful for it, because that simple touch has him floating on the surface, even though he feels like he’s drowning in his tears.

It reminds him of his friends’ touches, when he's upset. But none of them feels like Minseok’s, because each of them is different, and each of them is equally important (to his sanity – to his well-being).

Chanyeol’s touch is like a feather, but even lighter; it’s smooth and it's there, but not really. Chanyeol’s touch translates into soft caresses, it translates into soft reassuring words murmured into his ear. Chanyeol’s touch has this thing about it, it makes him feel like he's left the ground and fallen back on clouds. Chanyeol’s touch is the most important when he feels like he can't do it, because Chanyeol’s touch sends him high up in the sky, right back to his dreams. 

Taehyung’s touch is strong; he squeezes a lot, makes Junmyeon feel that he's there and that Junmyeon is there too, right here, alive. Taehyung’s touch is hard, like he's trying to keep Junmyeon grounded, keep him aware and feeling. Taehyung’s touch is the most important when Junmyeon is frustrated, stressed and overworked, when he needs a break, a vacation from this world, because it reminds him that he’s there, and that being there is reason enough to keep fighting, until he can remember how laying on the clouds feels.

Yixing’s touch is a new experience each time. Yixing's touch is a mix of hard and soft, awkward and incredibly devoted. Yixing's touch makes him feel a new sensation each time, makes him breathe again when strong arms wrap gently around him. Yixing's touch is there, and sometimes it's not; it's the perfect balance, just like Yixing is the perfect balance in his life. Yixing's touch is the most important when Junnyeon feels unstable on his two feet, when the sky feels like it's gonna fall on his head and the ground feels like it's splitting open under him.

Kyungsoo’s touch is… Kyungsoo's touch is sensual. Kyungsoo’s touch translates into languid kisses, translates into soft and full lips pressing against his skin, reminding him that he’s loved and supported. It translates into long and lean fingers diving into his hair, short cut nails scratching every inch of his scalp. Kyungsoo’s touch translates into this scent, sweet and ardent, soft and strong; Kyungsoo's scent, Kyungsoo's presence. Kyungsoo’s touch is the most important when Junmyeon feels lost, because every time he gets to feel those fingers, hear those lips, smell this sent, he feels right back where he should be: home. 

But right now, right at this very moment, Minseok’s touching him, and Minseok’s touch is nothing like any of the above. Maybe it's because they’re not friends, maybe it's because they don't know each other well enough yet, but still, Junmyeon feels something, something that he seems to need right now, because he clings into it. He clings into it and he lets himself go, lets himself break, because just as Minseok’s is whispering to him right now, ‘sometimes breaking helps healing.’

When he gets back home that evening, he doesn't do much; starts a starring game with the plant that's placed next to the tv screen, body curled up on the couch and vision blurred, eyes still red and puffy, sniffing to stop himself from letting sobs escape again. They've parted ways with promises, Minseok and him; the promise to fix Baekhyun and the promise to save Jongdae. Junmyeon isn't sure about what he can do about either of those things, but he blocks the thoughts out, locks them into a corner of his brain, for later, when he’ll stop crying, when he'll process everything; when the broken pieces of his heart will soften, so that he can lean on them to look up at the sky and smile at the clouds. 

...to be continued...


End file.
